Friday, June 19, 2009
early morning Serenity
peace flowing through me no permission to ask
by a stone dropped into the depths...
Saturday, April 11, 2009
Jaidyn's Learning
I can't believe how much our kids just soak up without any formal "teaching". I am just beginning to really "get" how humans actually learn while reading Frank book called, "The Book of Learning and Forgetting". I'll fill in his last name when I remember it. :)
Anyhoo, so I wouldn't forget, I wanted to post a pic of Jaidyn "teaching" her Daddy some of what she has learned on her own. I'll put details in when I have more time.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
How we are Wired To Learn!
I found this on a message board, but it is truly clarifying. I love it. I want to read it again to more fully understand it. I am intrigued by the human brain, and how it works.
Life doesn't come in boxes. Life is stuff all jumbled together. From
that chaos we focus on what we think is cool.
While it makes more sense that we should learn better by isolating
what we are interested in so we could focus on it exclusively, that
isn't how we're hard wired to learn. We're hard wired to learn in
context, to see how what we're interested in connects to other
things. To see other things we're interested in relate.
While it would make more sense if kids learned one word at a time,
that isn't how kids learn. They're immersed in language and get
excited when they recognize something familiar in the chaos. And that
familiar thing connects to other things around it which become
familiar. And then there are more familiar things to catch our
attention in the chaos.
We *want* to pull familiar from chaos. We want to create our *own*
order from the chaos. *That's* how we're hard wired to learn.
Learning from boxes is like following someone else's instructions on
which puzzle piece to put where into the jigsaw puzzle. It's someone
handing you the solution to and crossword puzzle for you to fill the
boxes in from.
We want and need to discover things on our own. We want and need to
make the connections for ourselves.
Children need to feel safe and secure. They need to feel they can
depend on whatever makes them feel secure. What that actually looks
like in practice will be different for each child.
Some kids need to know what the day is going to be like. Some kids
enjoy surprises.
Check out Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs:
http://en.wikipedia
This is what we need to grow. If the lowest needs aren't met, we
can't attend to the higher needs. No where is there structure on the
list:
Basic:
Breathing, food, water, sex, sleep, homeostasis (maintain optimal
body temperature)
Next level:
Security of body, of employment, of resources, of morality, of the
family, of health, of property
Next level:
friendship, family, sexual intimacy
Next level:
self-esteem, confidence, achievement, respect of others, respect by
others
Top level:
morality, creativity, spontaneity, problem solving, lack of
prejudice, acceptance of facts.
Most child rearing practices view
children as though they were some species other than human. Children
are humans. They are more dependent on others to get their needs met,
but they have human needs and they react as humans to having their
needs thwarted.
Humans don't need structure to feel safe and grow. Some humans do
like to structure their environment. Some humans will even freely
gravitate towards someone else's structure. But no healthy human
wants others to dictate the structure of the environment for them
without having a say.
Conventional parenting tries to make life with kids more convenient.
We treat kids in ways we'd *never* treat a fellow (adult) human
being. At least not ones we cared about!
We do huge amounts of damage to our relationships with kids in the
name of forming them into better people, and into making life easier
for ourselves. And most parents' relationships with their teens shows
it! Society thinks teens are naturally snarky and rebellious. It's
not true. Respected kids grow into respectful kids and respectful
teens.
Friday, March 20, 2009
Friday, the 20th...
This morning we made flan. Never heard of it? Or heard of it, and never eaten it, or aren't sure exactly what it was beyond some type of food? Me too. It was on my list of one of those "weird" foods. Food I'd heard of, but would probably never eat. Maybe that's just me, though, since I was quite the "picky" child, and was never exposed to many different foods. My kids have eaten such a wider variety of foods than I ever did as a child.
So, Flan. I was looking in the pantry for breakfast when I spied a box of it in our pudding section. Hmm... Dh must've picked that up, because I surely didn't. No wait, maybe one of the kids picked it up thinking it was vanilla pudding. Turns out that's how it happened to end up in our pantry. We looked it up online before we made it, and found all sorts of interesting facts (and leads to other discussions). Travis (ds,age 11), and I read about it, and then he made it while I cleaned up the kitchen. We found out that the earliest evidence we have of it being made was in the Roman times, also the earliest recorded time of domesticated chickens. The Romans consulted the Greek's knowledge of cooking, and made a savory custard dish, nonsweetened. Over the centuries it evolved through different cultures. Spaniards made it into the sweet custard we know of today, and the English made their own version of flan by adding fruits and nuts, and also using a pastry crust for the bottom only. In English it is pronounced to rhyme with 'plan', and in Mexico (which was where the Spaniards took it to) it's pronounced to rhyme with 'faun'. I think the Mexican version sounds fancier, but will continue to use the English version as it is easier to prounce.
We also read about how the barbaric Medieval peoples, whose time was contiguous with Roman times, made flan. We had to use dictionary.com to look up what contiguous meant. There were other words that I was able to explain the meaning of to Travis (and yes, he asked what they meant), but that one wasn't one of them. Turns out that it means adjacent to in time, or close to without actually touching. So, our vocabulary words for today were: contiguous, savory, barbarian, pastry crust, and of course flan, as Travis had never heard of it. He now has an intimate knowledge of it, seeing as how he made it himself. :)
Other learning that has gone on today would be continued work with fractions and measurements during cooking, strategic planning and puzzle solving on the Twilight Princess Zelda game, science: Nathan, Jaidyn, and Aaron exploring and observing nature. They enjoyed the March 40 degree weather, and Jaidyn decided that she'd be better off in a coat, instead of her shirt. :) Those three have been playing with Lego knight figurines from a board game. They are really cool little guys that completely come apart and include a helmet, armor, a shield, and a sword, which is pretty amazing seeing as how they are about 2 inches tall. They played indoors and out with them, letting them slide off the trampoline on the slide that they'd set up a few days ago. I thought that the slide itself was pretty ingenious. We've had it around since I found it in someone's front yard, and dared to ask if they still wanted it. It'd cost about $100 if we bought it, but we got it for free!
My littles, Jaidyn and Nathan are now running nude, and I need to go do some more learning, instead of documenting.. :)
So, Flan. I was looking in the pantry for breakfast when I spied a box of it in our pudding section. Hmm... Dh must've picked that up, because I surely didn't. No wait, maybe one of the kids picked it up thinking it was vanilla pudding. Turns out that's how it happened to end up in our pantry. We looked it up online before we made it, and found all sorts of interesting facts (and leads to other discussions). Travis (ds,age 11), and I read about it, and then he made it while I cleaned up the kitchen. We found out that the earliest evidence we have of it being made was in the Roman times, also the earliest recorded time of domesticated chickens. The Romans consulted the Greek's knowledge of cooking, and made a savory custard dish, nonsweetened. Over the centuries it evolved through different cultures. Spaniards made it into the sweet custard we know of today, and the English made their own version of flan by adding fruits and nuts, and also using a pastry crust for the bottom only. In English it is pronounced to rhyme with 'plan', and in Mexico (which was where the Spaniards took it to) it's pronounced to rhyme with 'faun'. I think the Mexican version sounds fancier, but will continue to use the English version as it is easier to prounce.
We also read about how the barbaric Medieval peoples, whose time was contiguous with Roman times, made flan. We had to use dictionary.com to look up what contiguous meant. There were other words that I was able to explain the meaning of to Travis (and yes, he asked what they meant), but that one wasn't one of them. Turns out that it means adjacent to in time, or close to without actually touching. So, our vocabulary words for today were: contiguous, savory, barbarian, pastry crust, and of course flan, as Travis had never heard of it. He now has an intimate knowledge of it, seeing as how he made it himself. :)
Other learning that has gone on today would be continued work with fractions and measurements during cooking, strategic planning and puzzle solving on the Twilight Princess Zelda game, science: Nathan, Jaidyn, and Aaron exploring and observing nature. They enjoyed the March 40 degree weather, and Jaidyn decided that she'd be better off in a coat, instead of her shirt. :) Those three have been playing with Lego knight figurines from a board game. They are really cool little guys that completely come apart and include a helmet, armor, a shield, and a sword, which is pretty amazing seeing as how they are about 2 inches tall. They played indoors and out with them, letting them slide off the trampoline on the slide that they'd set up a few days ago. I thought that the slide itself was pretty ingenious. We've had it around since I found it in someone's front yard, and dared to ask if they still wanted it. It'd cost about $100 if we bought it, but we got it for free!
My littles, Jaidyn and Nathan are now running nude, and I need to go do some more learning, instead of documenting.. :)
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Travis' Friday the 13th Learning
Last Friday, I took the younger 3 kids out to McDonald's to play while I discussed birth and becoming a doula with a new friend.
Travis stayed home. Before we left, we were reading a History book and discussing why History is important to learn about, how it repeats itself, and also began discussing social justice. We talked about how leveling out the populace may or may not be fair to people depending on which person you are. I asked him to explain social justice in a competition to me, and he described a race where each person got weighted down equally to attempt to make the race fair. We then discussed the what ifs, such as, what if one of the runners was a 250lb. muscle man, and one was a lazy person who sat on the couch all the time, and one was a small framed girl who weighed only 100 lbs., and so on... I suggested that you adjust the weights to make it equally difficult for each runner, and we decided that that would be the best way to offer social justice in a running race.
I went to Mcdonald's, and Trav stayed home. Later in the weekend, he asked me, "Who's that black guy who was killed, and he tried to make things more fair for black people? And before him, wasn't it a fact that blacks had to eat on a different side of the resteraunt than whites?" That was Martin Luther King, I replied, and a discussion ensued, based on the fact that he'd spend that Friday the 13th, watching court cases on TV, and someone had mentioned Martin Luther King. History, with no prompting!
Travis stayed home. Before we left, we were reading a History book and discussing why History is important to learn about, how it repeats itself, and also began discussing social justice. We talked about how leveling out the populace may or may not be fair to people depending on which person you are. I asked him to explain social justice in a competition to me, and he described a race where each person got weighted down equally to attempt to make the race fair. We then discussed the what ifs, such as, what if one of the runners was a 250lb. muscle man, and one was a lazy person who sat on the couch all the time, and one was a small framed girl who weighed only 100 lbs., and so on... I suggested that you adjust the weights to make it equally difficult for each runner, and we decided that that would be the best way to offer social justice in a running race.
I went to Mcdonald's, and Trav stayed home. Later in the weekend, he asked me, "Who's that black guy who was killed, and he tried to make things more fair for black people? And before him, wasn't it a fact that blacks had to eat on a different side of the resteraunt than whites?" That was Martin Luther King, I replied, and a discussion ensued, based on the fact that he'd spend that Friday the 13th, watching court cases on TV, and someone had mentioned Martin Luther King. History, with no prompting!
My Big Girl's first Saint Patricks Day at school.
Savannah went off on the bus a few minutes ago. Her green hair shining, as she walked beautifully across the still frosted lawn. She's one of my early risers, happy to be choosing her own path, walking off to her chosen mecca of friends. She knows that she has the choice to be at home, yet she likes the individuality she feels this year. Being always homeschooled, she was curious about school. She found out that there are good things, and bad about it, but overall, for her, the choice was to finish out the year.
We discuss friends, and how most people at school don't act like she and her other friends are used to acting, but she is learning to be a chameleon, and likes testing her skills for fending off their barbs.
She also loves to come home and be pampered! The other night I spend half an hour giving her feet the spa treatment, and sometimes, she just HAS to go somewhere, because she feels trapped with the whole school/home, school/home, school/home cycle of the week. And at other times, all the constant noise at school overstimulates her, and she spends a hour or two locked in our office singing to songs on YouTube, to balance her senses.
I love seeing the individuality in my kids.
We discuss friends, and how most people at school don't act like she and her other friends are used to acting, but she is learning to be a chameleon, and likes testing her skills for fending off their barbs.
She also loves to come home and be pampered! The other night I spend half an hour giving her feet the spa treatment, and sometimes, she just HAS to go somewhere, because she feels trapped with the whole school/home, school/home, school/home cycle of the week. And at other times, all the constant noise at school overstimulates her, and she spends a hour or two locked in our office singing to songs on YouTube, to balance her senses.
I love seeing the individuality in my kids.
Toddler/Little Kid Dreams
I love observing my kids grow and learn. One of the best things is when they figure out what dreams are. When my first daughter was 3 or so, she woke up one morning, and announced to me, that she had seen 'pictures in her head'! :)
I was reminded of that this morning when my 4.5 year old daughter Jaidyn, came into the office, and explained a very interesting realization that she had. Earlier this morning, she had told me that she had heard a beeping from the little round thing with the button on it while she was in bed. We discussed it a little more, as she wanted to know if there was a fire, and I realized it was the smoke alarm she was talking about. She wanted to know why it was beeping, and since it's not going off right now, I figured that the battery may be getting low, and told her so. We didn't discuss it anymore for about 20 minutes, and then she came downstairs, and told me that she'd realized that it had been a dream! There hadn't been any real beeping from the smoke alarm while she was in bed.
How did she figure this out? Well, she said that in her dream, the round thing with the light was on the ground. And she'd just looked up in real life and saw that it was on the ceiling. :) Therefore, she deduced that it must have been a dream. I told her that she was pretty smart to have figured that out. It is always so impressive to watch their little intellects grow untaught!! :)
A thought occurred to me after that. What if I'd said to her, "Oh Jaidyn, the smoke alarm is not beeping. You must have imagined that."? What if I'd assumed that little kids make stories up just because? What if I hadn't BELIEVED her? I may not have had the chance to see that little bit of magic happening in my child. I'm so glad that this trust I have in my heart is now here. When I first began my parenting journey, it wasn't. What a glorious change.
Thanks, Jaidyn, my first always free, undominated child!
I was reminded of that this morning when my 4.5 year old daughter Jaidyn, came into the office, and explained a very interesting realization that she had. Earlier this morning, she had told me that she had heard a beeping from the little round thing with the button on it while she was in bed. We discussed it a little more, as she wanted to know if there was a fire, and I realized it was the smoke alarm she was talking about. She wanted to know why it was beeping, and since it's not going off right now, I figured that the battery may be getting low, and told her so. We didn't discuss it anymore for about 20 minutes, and then she came downstairs, and told me that she'd realized that it had been a dream! There hadn't been any real beeping from the smoke alarm while she was in bed.
How did she figure this out? Well, she said that in her dream, the round thing with the light was on the ground. And she'd just looked up in real life and saw that it was on the ceiling. :) Therefore, she deduced that it must have been a dream. I told her that she was pretty smart to have figured that out. It is always so impressive to watch their little intellects grow untaught!! :)
A thought occurred to me after that. What if I'd said to her, "Oh Jaidyn, the smoke alarm is not beeping. You must have imagined that."? What if I'd assumed that little kids make stories up just because? What if I hadn't BELIEVED her? I may not have had the chance to see that little bit of magic happening in my child. I'm so glad that this trust I have in my heart is now here. When I first began my parenting journey, it wasn't. What a glorious change.
Thanks, Jaidyn, my first always free, undominated child!
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
My kids' choices
This month, I felt good enough to be able to take my kids out of PS, to homeschool them again. Travis and Aaron were elated, and Jesse and Savannah have chosen to stay in PS! I was a little surprised at Savannah, but feel completely wonderful about supporting her in making her own choices. We discuss her reluctance to go at times, the reasons why, problems with friends, her dislike of sitting in one room for most of the day... but overall, she chooses to stay. She likes some of the schoolwork, and she enjoys feeling independent, I think. She enjoys getting out of the house, and riding the bus (most days). Some days she asks us to drive her. I am just overjoyed at seeing my kids making their own choices.
Jesse is almost 13, is sprouting a mustache, and is enjoying hanging out with his peers, and blowing by most of the students in his class academically. After 3 years of unschooling, I might add. I loved telling his teachers what we'd been doing, when they told me at the first Parent/Teacher meeting that "Whatever you've been doing, it's been great! Jesse is one of the highest students in our class!" :) Hah! I could have laughed out loud to see the confusion on their faces when I told them we'd not done any textbooks, played video games, watched movies and went to museums.... I still smile thinking about it.
It seems that 7th graders get more freedom than 1st, 3rd, or 5th graders. Jesse gets freedom to eat in one of his classes, and seems to get a lot more interaction with his peers. Could be his outlook, though. He's suddenly popped out of his quietness, and become the happy go lucky teenager... :) Anyway, I love it that they are all enjoying their lives.
Jesse is almost 13, is sprouting a mustache, and is enjoying hanging out with his peers, and blowing by most of the students in his class academically. After 3 years of unschooling, I might add. I loved telling his teachers what we'd been doing, when they told me at the first Parent/Teacher meeting that "Whatever you've been doing, it's been great! Jesse is one of the highest students in our class!" :) Hah! I could have laughed out loud to see the confusion on their faces when I told them we'd not done any textbooks, played video games, watched movies and went to museums.... I still smile thinking about it.
It seems that 7th graders get more freedom than 1st, 3rd, or 5th graders. Jesse gets freedom to eat in one of his classes, and seems to get a lot more interaction with his peers. Could be his outlook, though. He's suddenly popped out of his quietness, and become the happy go lucky teenager... :) Anyway, I love it that they are all enjoying their lives.
Monday, March 09, 2009
Screen Time Marathons and their Educational Value!
I know lots of parents freak out when their kids watch "too much" tv. A few weekends ago, my 11 year old's grandpa introduced him to a show called Solitary 3.0. He watched it on Hulu, and got hooked. We spent about 7-10 hours in a weekend watching an entire season of this show. We/ he and his siblings have also spent hours since that weekend catching episodes here and there. It has inspired he and his brother to build their own "pods" in the basement from blankets and boxes and grey tape. They plan to add meal slots as well.
We are going to "play" Solitary, and I am going to be Val, the computer overlord... :) Today the boys spent time in the basement constructing their pods, after calling the local grocery store, and finding out that they wouldn't have large boxes available right now.
We are planning our own "treatments", which are similar to "torture challenges", "how much can you take?" kind of thing. We are thinking that it may involve food.
Then, my 11 year old ds hit upon the idea of eating meal bars for food throughout the days they plan to spend in these pods, just like in the show. I said that I could purchase them, but because of their desire to have what they want "right now", they came up with the idea of searching online for recipes. :) This led my dh to reading many recipes, being introduced to wheat germ, sesame seeds, protein powder, and other ingredients probably unknown to him, as well as watching a chef's video on how to make protein bars, and the nutrition involved. I listened in the next room hearing the talk about protein and such, and smiled to myself. Self directed learning. Health class, cooking class, art/ingenuity, imagination, working together, public interaction with adults, resourcefulness.... all came out of watching "too much" TV.
I love having them home again. I am soooo thankful to be leaving that depression behind.
P.S. Travis has now made 5 additional meal bars, to play around with the composition. The first one turned out too wet, so he added less water this time. He then put them in the fridge. Some of them he repeated the too much water mistake, and some of them turned out great, the consistency of No Bake cookies. He is excited to begin he and Aaron's stay in Solitary this afternoon, with only his meal bars for substinence! :)
We are going to "play" Solitary, and I am going to be Val, the computer overlord... :) Today the boys spent time in the basement constructing their pods, after calling the local grocery store, and finding out that they wouldn't have large boxes available right now.
We are planning our own "treatments", which are similar to "torture challenges", "how much can you take?" kind of thing. We are thinking that it may involve food.
Then, my 11 year old ds hit upon the idea of eating meal bars for food throughout the days they plan to spend in these pods, just like in the show. I said that I could purchase them, but because of their desire to have what they want "right now", they came up with the idea of searching online for recipes. :) This led my dh to reading many recipes, being introduced to wheat germ, sesame seeds, protein powder, and other ingredients probably unknown to him, as well as watching a chef's video on how to make protein bars, and the nutrition involved. I listened in the next room hearing the talk about protein and such, and smiled to myself. Self directed learning. Health class, cooking class, art/ingenuity, imagination, working together, public interaction with adults, resourcefulness.... all came out of watching "too much" TV.
I love having them home again. I am soooo thankful to be leaving that depression behind.
P.S. Travis has now made 5 additional meal bars, to play around with the composition. The first one turned out too wet, so he added less water this time. He then put them in the fridge. Some of them he repeated the too much water mistake, and some of them turned out great, the consistency of No Bake cookies. He is excited to begin he and Aaron's stay in Solitary this afternoon, with only his meal bars for substinence! :)
Saturday, October 11, 2008
Hmmm.... in school or not, Socialization takes place.....
This was posted on a message board by an unschooler, and responded to by an unschooler:
>>>I just know well the
damage mean kids can do to one's self esteem and I hate that!!!<<<
I think that *can* be true but I don't think it has to be true. When we are faced with a child or anyone doing something hurtful we talk about how they are most likely hurting and that they are lashing out. We don't take their lashing out into our hearts, we talk about letting it just pass on through, not "stick" and if at all possible try to reach out and turn it around. I think we can do that because our foundation is family and respect. My memories of "cruel" children were from school and it was REALLY hard in that environment because I was on my own. It's really different for us, the bulk of my girls' interactions are respectful so the ones that aren't are aberrant and treated as such. There is no situation that controls us, we have ample choices and choices empower.
I know some believe the world to be a cruel place. I have not found that to be the case, I think it's filled with wonderful people and ample opportunity for joyful interactions. And as I believe it, it is so :)
>>>I just know well the
damage mean kids can do to one's self esteem and I hate that!!!<<<
I think that *can* be true but I don't think it has to be true. When we are faced with a child or anyone doing something hurtful we talk about how they are most likely hurting and that they are lashing out. We don't take their lashing out into our hearts, we talk about letting it just pass on through, not "stick" and if at all possible try to reach out and turn it around. I think we can do that because our foundation is family and respect. My memories of "cruel" children were from school and it was REALLY hard in that environment because I was on my own. It's really different for us, the bulk of my girls' interactions are respectful so the ones that aren't are aberrant and treated as such. There is no situation that controls us, we have ample choices and choices empower.
I know some believe the world to be a cruel place. I have not found that to be the case, I think it's filled with wonderful people and ample opportunity for joyful interactions. And as I believe it, it is so :)
Thursday, October 02, 2008
Confessions
You wanna know something I just figured out about myself? I'm so severely frightened of being judged for decisions that I make, that I make friends with people, enjoy being approved of by them, and then only talk to them every once in a while for fear that I will say or do something that they will not like, and therefore we will not be compatible. I know in theory that you cannot please everyone, that there will always be something about me that a person will disagree with, but in practise, I find it very hard to be around people who disagree with anything I do. I feel that I have to explain my reasons for making the decisions that I make, like there has to be a 'right' way to do things, and I have to have approval to feel ok with what I'm doing.
So, I make friends, and don't really keep in touch.
Kim said something the other day about friends. She said that she doesn't think that it really works too well to have a lot of acquaintances. She thinks that a friendship requires lots of time to grow and survive, and with the time we have in this life, you either make a lot of acquaintances, or have a few friends. I guess I'm trying it both ways to see what works for me.
In high school I had just a few friends. In the early years of my marriage to recently, I had another set of a few friends. Within the past two years or so, I've been making friends by pouring my troubles out to people, but not really keeping in touch with them any more than once every 6 weeks or so. It's like I'm afraid to call my already made friends for fear that they are not going to be available (which would feel like rejection), or that we won't have anything new to discuss and our talk will turn to gossip or judging each other.... Wow, what a negative and fearful view I have of the world! :/
My confession is that I am a friend dropper. I am a user. I get sympathy, start a relationship with someone, and then we lose contact... but is this all MY fault? It's not like these people are contacting me either... I certainly don't want to continue this pattern... but on the other hand, it's not like I don't still like these people either. And who says that you can't make a new friend, and then only talk to them once every 6 months? If I stopped making new friends just because I was afraid that I "won't have the time to keep up with them", then I believe I'd be missing out on the human connection. So maybe I'm not a friend dropper, just a friend finder! I do want to work on not fearing being judged, and what better way to do that than to expose myself to lots of different viewpoints and practise tolerance?
So, I make friends, and don't really keep in touch.
Kim said something the other day about friends. She said that she doesn't think that it really works too well to have a lot of acquaintances. She thinks that a friendship requires lots of time to grow and survive, and with the time we have in this life, you either make a lot of acquaintances, or have a few friends. I guess I'm trying it both ways to see what works for me.
In high school I had just a few friends. In the early years of my marriage to recently, I had another set of a few friends. Within the past two years or so, I've been making friends by pouring my troubles out to people, but not really keeping in touch with them any more than once every 6 weeks or so. It's like I'm afraid to call my already made friends for fear that they are not going to be available (which would feel like rejection), or that we won't have anything new to discuss and our talk will turn to gossip or judging each other.... Wow, what a negative and fearful view I have of the world! :/
My confession is that I am a friend dropper. I am a user. I get sympathy, start a relationship with someone, and then we lose contact... but is this all MY fault? It's not like these people are contacting me either... I certainly don't want to continue this pattern... but on the other hand, it's not like I don't still like these people either. And who says that you can't make a new friend, and then only talk to them once every 6 months? If I stopped making new friends just because I was afraid that I "won't have the time to keep up with them", then I believe I'd be missing out on the human connection. So maybe I'm not a friend dropper, just a friend finder! I do want to work on not fearing being judged, and what better way to do that than to expose myself to lots of different viewpoints and practise tolerance?
Saturday, June 21, 2008
A DOG!?
Well, we finally did it. We took the big leap and got our first real pet (beyond one try at a hampster, and some fish). Chloe is her name, and she is a golden retriever/chow mix, although it's tough for me to see the chow in her.
We made the leap after many years of refusing to consent to our kids' and our own desires for a dog because "it'd be too much money" and "too much work".
But about 2 weeks ago a new neighbor moved in behind us. We got daily lengthy visits from Chloe, and the kids loved playing with her.
One day she brought us a gift. A dead skunk. Travis (our 10 year old son all the way to the left in the above pic) was man enough to pick it up (with bags on his hands) and throw it in the woods.. but that's another story. Which I'll post next as it is really a good part of our story.
The kids ran around the neighborhood with Chloe, and her owner, Lori, saw them as she was out searching in her car for her dog. She said that Chloe kept breaking through her fence, and she was going to have to fix it. She did fix it, but Chloe got through yesterday, and someone called the warden. Lori got a call saying that they had taken her to our county's pound, and if she wanted her she'd have to come get her.
Lori came to tell us that she was going to have to make a hard choice, and wanted to know if we wanted to keep Chloe. She's really a kids' rough and tumble dog, age 6, and she misses the fun she had with Lori's son before he went off to college. She just sits in the house most days now while Lori and her husband are at work, and Lori didn't feel that it was fair to her because she is such a social dog. She'd been struggling with what to do with her for a while, and with her being at the pound, she'd nearly decided to hope that someone adopted her (or else she'd probably get put down). Then she thought of how much fun Chloe had been having with our kids. So. We have a dog. A big dog. No easing into it. Just a big in house dog now. Nothin' to it, but to do it, right? :) Wow. A dog. My husband likes the idea of her being here when he's out on trips. The kids love having a dog to take care of (which by the way, we had a family meeting, and they all agreed to pitch in for dog food from their jobs, to walk her, and to set up a sweeping schedule so that the house gets swept twice a week). So, here we go. A new chapter in our lives. Family of 8, plus one canine (and a few fish).
Wednesday, June 18, 2008
Some unschooling wisdom from real life RU'ers
I wanted to remind myself of the awesome advice I get from other unschoolers out there on the web. I may never be their friend in person because of distance between us, but, I hold them close to my heart because we all share a love for our kids that helps us treat them as young human beings, not little robots to mold in our image by sharing with them our fears, and shoulds, and have to's.... Thank you all, Ren, Diana, Meredith, Sandra, Alex, and everyone else...
Here's a recent thread from the Always Unschooled message board:
Admochelle (that's me!) wrote:
"I have a problem. I would love to have the patience to treat each and
every one of my kids with the patience and respect to allow us to work
together as a group, respecting everyone's needs... but how do you do
that when you have 7 people (including me), and many of them are
incapable of seeing past themselves due to their age? It really helps
me have more tolerance for seeming 'disrespect' or non-caring from my
4 year old, when I realize that she doesn't have empathy yet. But
when everyone has different needs, and all is chaos, don't you just
need someone to take the helm, and say, OK. This is what we are doing?
I have seen how crazy the house gets when everyone is tired, and no
one really cares what everyone else wants.. they just need their needs
met. Where do you start with those non-preventable situations...
Well, I guess you would start by taking a deep breath, and trying to
be the calm one. But when that doesn't work because you are so
stressed from outside family stress, where do you go?
Sometimes I feel that it would be a lot easier for the whole family if
my kids just did what they were told, instead of going on a 10 minute
discussion, or waiting for 5 minutes for the 4 year old, or tolerating
her ignoring my request for her to clean up the salt she just poured
all over the floor just because 'she doesn't want to clean it up' (her
words.)
I'm having a really hard time lately with the whole, letting
everyone's needs get met at the same time... It seems nearly
impossible right now."
Alex replied:
"Wouldn't it be less stressful and easier to just take 30 seconds and clean it
yourself?
Can you clean that spilled salt with mommy? ( hand her a little vacuum)
-No. I don't want to clean up.
OK them.
--
Take the little vac and it would take just a few seconds to get it all
cleaned.
Do it happy. Your child is 4 years old. See it as gift to her and you family.
Once your child sees the joy you have in cleaning she/he may want to join you
in it.
Make cleaning fun and joyful and not a power struggle."
Admochelle replied:
"I guess if I didn't worry that she was going to make a habit of not
cleaning up that would be ok. I fear that I am building the thought
pattern in her that mommy will clean everything up, I don't have to."
Admochelle
Alissa replied:
Maybe it would help you to know that once I completely embraced RU
with cleaning I was able to fully appreciate what they did do to help
me, and it's a wonderful feeling!
I often have those times where I feel I'm just going crazy trying to
meet the needs of two little people who ask for something new before I
can complete the first task. ;-) But like a previous poster said, I
calmly explain that I am in the middle of X and they can wait until
I'm done or they can help themselves.
Remember we're not trying to create little robots who just do, and the
point is not that we because we don't require them to clean up after
themselves this will make them all of a sudden *want* to clean up on
their own. But instead I've seen my children finding the knowledge
that if the house is going to stay organized we're the ones who do it.
And that when we're at someone else's house it's a nice gesture to put
away things we played with before we leave. They never feel that they
have to, they do it because they want to. And a lot of the time they
don't, and that's ok, too. They are a lot more likely to come in
beside me and help me with something, though, without me asking, and
certainly without me telling that they need to do it. When it's night
time and everyone's tired, heavens no! But I like to get organized in
the morning, and the kids are often happy to help me pick up messes
from the night before.
Karen wrote:
"If I am feeling stressed by competing demands of my kids, I will
often voice my stress. Not as a complaint against them, but more of
there is only one of me and I can only do one thing at a time. I ask
the kids if there is anyway they can meet their own needs and if they
don't seem able I ask if they can please wait while I do this and
this, and I will get to them as soon as possible."
The kids doing just what they were told probably would be easier if it actually worked. Remember that
it doesn't work and that there are power struggles and resentment and
punishment and rewards that go along with trying to get the kids to
do as they are told. All of which can be very exhausting.
A 10 minute discussion, which could have been a 10 minute tantrum if you had been coercive
instead.
Waiting for 5 minutes for the 4 year old could be a time to embrace the waiting as a moment to relax and breathe or talk or joke with the other kids."
Admochelle wrote:
"Yes, it is true that no parenting method is perfect. I forget that
even when I spanked, there were lots of struggles, and hurt,
non-understanding looks from my kids...
thanks for reminding me.
At least now they know that I am trying to be on their side. I really,
really want to be a partner with my kids... it gets so hard when the
people around me are constantly expecting my kids to 'listen' to me
"because I am the parent"...
I get so fed up with all the anti-partnership/pro-authoritarian comments.
Alex wrote:
"This is a great post from Ren at Ubasics that I swiped with her OK to post
here:"
~~"I think the problem here is that you also got locked in. You had an
expectation of going on that walk. You really wanted to go and it
was taken away from you.~~
I didn't have time to respond earlier, but this is exactly what I was
thinking. I remember having those feelings earlier in this parenting
journey and what I've learned is a very buddhist
concept...non- attachment. Not that I have it down pat or anything!;)
I had this vision of this peaceful unschooling family, smiling and
walking hand-in-hand, joyfully exploring the world, always doing
amazing things and getting along beautifully. Lovely vision right? And
totally unrealistic!
Life is messy. People get irritated with each other, plans change
midstream, milk gets spilled and walks don't always happen. What
matters most is how we embrace the WHOLE. How we can stand there and
hear the kids fighting and see the sink full of dishes and smile to
ourselves because THAT is a part of the beauty.
Sierra wanted to make Bleu a Father's day breakfast. We talked about
getting up before him and cooking something yummy to surprise
him....instead of going to sleep early enough she stayed up until
about 4am and couldn't get up to make breakfast. She stayed up with
her Dad watching tv though, and that time connecting together was more
important than the breakfast in the end.
I could have held onto that idyllic sounding breakfast and been really
bummed out when it didn't happen, I could have made it myself OR I can
just accept the reality that is right in front of me...a sleepy dh and
daughter that enjoy each other's company every day. So what is
Father's day in the face of that? Nothing. It's the daily connections
that matter and we can have a special breakfast anytime we choose.
Let it go...breathe deep and see that your child wanted to take a walk
at a different time than you deemed appropriate. That's ok. Go with
it. Release that "perfect unschooling vision" and BE with what is
happening. It takes some time, but the more you're aware of how you're
being attached to a certain outcome, the better you get at NOT being
attached.:)
I highly recommend "Wherever you go there you are" by Jon Kabat-Zinn."
Ren
learninginfreedom. com
Admochelle wrote:
"I could have written the paragraph about having that vision of the perfectly peaceful unschooling family myself, Ren!
I want to memorize the part about smiling at the dirty dishes and kids fighting! :)
I can do that easily when I bring to mind the
feeling of being home the day after we took one of the kids to the
emergency room for a real emergency. THAT is an easy time to look
around and appreciate the fighting and the dirty dishes, and laundry,
etc... at least the kids are there!
Thanks for reminding me."
Aidan wrote:
"I don't have as many kids as you do, but I do have four, all close in age. Once
I had more than one child that wasn't a baby, I thought my job as a parent was
to make the kids do as they were told. In my first family, well behaved is
number one- so I believed that if my kids weren't living up to those standards,
it meant I was failing.
After a few years of trying to create a situation where
the kids would just do what they were told, I could see that it was a miserable
failure. That kind of discipline takes a mom who is always 'on', who sees
everything, who can divide and conquer. If you have two kids, it can probably be
done passably. And when they do argue or throw a tantrum or disobey, you can
deal with it because there aren't several other kids, taking the
opportunity while your back's turned to wreak havoc or start a fight.
My attempting to be 'at the helm' just encouraged the kids to be more chaotic,
more resistant to my leadership (read: f-you mom, I'll wait until your back is
turned), and less self sufficient. They seemed to enjoy watching my blood boil
as they bounced around wildly in a public place and I ran around trying to catch
them. My take on the whole thing is that when you are seriously outnumbered, you
have to have a lot of self discipline and some serious corporal punishment up
your sleeve to control their behavior.
RU has slowly changed the chaos and adversarial behavior in my house. I have had
to sacrifice a lot too, as a very persistent and goal oriented person. RU does
mean a lot of discussions when you just want to get it over with. But what I've
found is, once the kids feel confident that you will listen and take their
ideas/concerns/needs/preferences seriously, the discussions look more like
talking and compromising and less like whining and screaming tantrums.
Another problem I've had a lot of is general chaos- fighting, giant destructive
mess making, running off in different directions- crazy making. One of the
cornerstones of RU is connections- real authentic I-see-you-and-love-you
connections. For me, with consistent practice, making connections with my kids
has really paid off in the chaos department. The kids listen to me, and they
don't want me to feel bad- it's reflected in their behavior. They empathize with
me simply because I do with them. It's taken time, a lot of time doing it and
still having to deal with outrageous behavior, but now we are definitely turning
a corner.
In the short term, RU seems massively inconvenient and like opening the door to
even more out of control behavior. But I want to encourage you to keep trying,
keep reading the wise words on this list. Because in the long run, you can
have six kids who you have to somehow follow around all the time making
them behave, or you can have six kids who self regulate as far as their
maturity allows."
Here's a recent thread from the Always Unschooled message board:
Admochelle (that's me!) wrote:
"I have a problem. I would love to have the patience to treat each and
every one of my kids with the patience and respect to allow us to work
together as a group, respecting everyone's needs... but how do you do
that when you have 7 people (including me), and many of them are
incapable of seeing past themselves due to their age? It really helps
me have more tolerance for seeming 'disrespect' or non-caring from my
4 year old, when I realize that she doesn't have empathy yet. But
when everyone has different needs, and all is chaos, don't you just
need someone to take the helm, and say, OK. This is what we are doing?
I have seen how crazy the house gets when everyone is tired, and no
one really cares what everyone else wants.. they just need their needs
met. Where do you start with those non-preventable situations...
Well, I guess you would start by taking a deep breath, and trying to
be the calm one. But when that doesn't work because you are so
stressed from outside family stress, where do you go?
Sometimes I feel that it would be a lot easier for the whole family if
my kids just did what they were told, instead of going on a 10 minute
discussion, or waiting for 5 minutes for the 4 year old, or tolerating
her ignoring my request for her to clean up the salt she just poured
all over the floor just because 'she doesn't want to clean it up' (her
words.)
I'm having a really hard time lately with the whole, letting
everyone's needs get met at the same time... It seems nearly
impossible right now."
Alex replied:
"Wouldn't it be less stressful and easier to just take 30 seconds and clean it
yourself?
Can you clean that spilled salt with mommy? ( hand her a little vacuum)
-No. I don't want to clean up.
OK them.
--
Take the little vac and it would take just a few seconds to get it all
cleaned.
Do it happy. Your child is 4 years old. See it as gift to her and you family.
Once your child sees the joy you have in cleaning she/he may want to join you
in it.
Make cleaning fun and joyful and not a power struggle."
Admochelle replied:
"I guess if I didn't worry that she was going to make a habit of not
cleaning up that would be ok. I fear that I am building the thought
pattern in her that mommy will clean everything up, I don't have to."
Admochelle
Alissa replied:
Maybe it would help you to know that once I completely embraced RU
with cleaning I was able to fully appreciate what they did do to help
me, and it's a wonderful feeling!
I often have those times where I feel I'm just going crazy trying to
meet the needs of two little people who ask for something new before I
can complete the first task. ;-) But like a previous poster said, I
calmly explain that I am in the middle of X and they can wait until
I'm done or they can help themselves.
Remember we're not trying to create little robots who just do, and the
point is not that we because we don't require them to clean up after
themselves this will make them all of a sudden *want* to clean up on
their own. But instead I've seen my children finding the knowledge
that if the house is going to stay organized we're the ones who do it.
And that when we're at someone else's house it's a nice gesture to put
away things we played with before we leave. They never feel that they
have to, they do it because they want to. And a lot of the time they
don't, and that's ok, too. They are a lot more likely to come in
beside me and help me with something, though, without me asking, and
certainly without me telling that they need to do it. When it's night
time and everyone's tired, heavens no! But I like to get organized in
the morning, and the kids are often happy to help me pick up messes
from the night before.
Karen wrote:
"If I am feeling stressed by competing demands of my kids, I will
often voice my stress. Not as a complaint against them, but more of
there is only one of me and I can only do one thing at a time. I ask
the kids if there is anyway they can meet their own needs and if they
don't seem able I ask if they can please wait while I do this and
this, and I will get to them as soon as possible."
The kids doing just what they were told probably would be easier if it actually worked. Remember that
it doesn't work and that there are power struggles and resentment and
punishment and rewards that go along with trying to get the kids to
do as they are told. All of which can be very exhausting.
A 10 minute discussion, which could have been a 10 minute tantrum if you had been coercive
instead.
Waiting for 5 minutes for the 4 year old could be a time to embrace the waiting as a moment to relax and breathe or talk or joke with the other kids."
Admochelle wrote:
"Yes, it is true that no parenting method is perfect. I forget that
even when I spanked, there were lots of struggles, and hurt,
non-understanding looks from my kids...
thanks for reminding me.
At least now they know that I am trying to be on their side. I really,
really want to be a partner with my kids... it gets so hard when the
people around me are constantly expecting my kids to 'listen' to me
"because I am the parent"...
I get so fed up with all the anti-partnership/pro-authoritarian comments.
Alex wrote:
"This is a great post from Ren at Ubasics that I swiped with her OK to post
here:"
~~"I think the problem here is that you also got locked in. You had an
expectation of going on that walk. You really wanted to go and it
was taken away from you.~~
I didn't have time to respond earlier, but this is exactly what I was
thinking. I remember having those feelings earlier in this parenting
journey and what I've learned is a very buddhist
concept...non- attachment. Not that I have it down pat or anything!;)
I had this vision of this peaceful unschooling family, smiling and
walking hand-in-hand, joyfully exploring the world, always doing
amazing things and getting along beautifully. Lovely vision right? And
totally unrealistic!
Life is messy. People get irritated with each other, plans change
midstream, milk gets spilled and walks don't always happen. What
matters most is how we embrace the WHOLE. How we can stand there and
hear the kids fighting and see the sink full of dishes and smile to
ourselves because THAT is a part of the beauty.
Sierra wanted to make Bleu a Father's day breakfast. We talked about
getting up before him and cooking something yummy to surprise
him....instead of going to sleep early enough she stayed up until
about 4am and couldn't get up to make breakfast. She stayed up with
her Dad watching tv though, and that time connecting together was more
important than the breakfast in the end.
I could have held onto that idyllic sounding breakfast and been really
bummed out when it didn't happen, I could have made it myself OR I can
just accept the reality that is right in front of me...a sleepy dh and
daughter that enjoy each other's company every day. So what is
Father's day in the face of that? Nothing. It's the daily connections
that matter and we can have a special breakfast anytime we choose.
Let it go...breathe deep and see that your child wanted to take a walk
at a different time than you deemed appropriate. That's ok. Go with
it. Release that "perfect unschooling vision" and BE with what is
happening. It takes some time, but the more you're aware of how you're
being attached to a certain outcome, the better you get at NOT being
attached.:)
I highly recommend "Wherever you go there you are" by Jon Kabat-Zinn."
Ren
learninginfreedom. com
Admochelle wrote:
"I could have written the paragraph about having that vision of the perfectly peaceful unschooling family myself, Ren!
I want to memorize the part about smiling at the dirty dishes and kids fighting! :)
I can do that easily when I bring to mind the
feeling of being home the day after we took one of the kids to the
emergency room for a real emergency. THAT is an easy time to look
around and appreciate the fighting and the dirty dishes, and laundry,
etc... at least the kids are there!
Thanks for reminding me."
Aidan wrote:
"I don't have as many kids as you do, but I do have four, all close in age. Once
I had more than one child that wasn't a baby, I thought my job as a parent was
to make the kids do as they were told. In my first family, well behaved is
number one- so I believed that if my kids weren't living up to those standards,
it meant I was failing.
After a few years of trying to create a situation where
the kids would just do what they were told, I could see that it was a miserable
failure. That kind of discipline takes a mom who is always 'on', who sees
everything, who can divide and conquer. If you have two kids, it can probably be
done passably. And when they do argue or throw a tantrum or disobey, you can
deal with it because there aren't several other kids, taking the
opportunity while your back's turned to wreak havoc or start a fight.
My attempting to be 'at the helm' just encouraged the kids to be more chaotic,
more resistant to my leadership (read: f-you mom, I'll wait until your back is
turned), and less self sufficient. They seemed to enjoy watching my blood boil
as they bounced around wildly in a public place and I ran around trying to catch
them. My take on the whole thing is that when you are seriously outnumbered, you
have to have a lot of self discipline and some serious corporal punishment up
your sleeve to control their behavior.
RU has slowly changed the chaos and adversarial behavior in my house. I have had
to sacrifice a lot too, as a very persistent and goal oriented person. RU does
mean a lot of discussions when you just want to get it over with. But what I've
found is, once the kids feel confident that you will listen and take their
ideas/concerns/needs/preferences seriously, the discussions look more like
talking and compromising and less like whining and screaming tantrums.
Another problem I've had a lot of is general chaos- fighting, giant destructive
mess making, running off in different directions- crazy making. One of the
cornerstones of RU is connections- real authentic I-see-you-and-love-you
connections. For me, with consistent practice, making connections with my kids
has really paid off in the chaos department. The kids listen to me, and they
don't want me to feel bad- it's reflected in their behavior. They empathize with
me simply because I do with them. It's taken time, a lot of time doing it and
still having to deal with outrageous behavior, but now we are definitely turning
a corner.
In the short term, RU seems massively inconvenient and like opening the door to
even more out of control behavior. But I want to encourage you to keep trying,
keep reading the wise words on this list. Because in the long run, you can
have six kids who you have to somehow follow around all the time making
them behave, or you can have six kids who self regulate as far as their
maturity allows."
Sunday, June 15, 2008
Favorite Quotes
There have been so many quotes I have read recently, and have thought, Wow! I really want to remember that! So, I'm going to start a post and update it with all my favorite quotes!
Here's the one I found today:
Whether one believes in a religion or not, and whether one believes
in rebirth or not, there isn't anyone who doesn't appreciate kindness
and compassion.
~Dalai Lama
Here's the one I found today:
Whether one believes in a religion or not, and whether one believes
in rebirth or not, there isn't anyone who doesn't appreciate kindness
and compassion.
~Dalai Lama
Wednesday, June 11, 2008
Like Flowers Unfolding....
It is 5:06am, and I have been lying awake in bed for the last half hour. I am seeing my mind growing in compassion through the books I have been reading. The language they use helps me to see that the black/white, my way or the highway kind of world I grew up in does not have to be, and that that isn't a bad thing.
I titled this post Like Flowers Unfolding, because that is how I have begun to see my children. I want to extend this viewpoint to myself, and to others around me, because it encourages compassion in me. Seeing my children as flowers unfolding came to my mind as I was thinking about how I want to let them have time to grow at their own rate.
I see where that is just a compassionate response that I have been somewhat lacking in because I did not use it with myself, and therefore my needs were not being met. And I am learning that instead of hating myself, I can see myself as a person who has a hard time being compassionate, because I have had no reservoir of self love to draw from. Allowing myself to meet my own needs is creating a compassionate response in me.
Watching this process this morning in my mind, I can see that it is a slow one, and a process that requires gentleness. Like a flower needs time, and gentle watering, and sunshine to unfold its petals, a person needs time, gentle communication, and love to unfold as he/she grows. Make no mistake, it will happen. People will grow as surely as the flowers.
I can do damage to my children too, by pushing them to do something against their will (when they are not ready for it) This will only damage their growth. It would be like a flowers petals being pulled apart "because it is going to have to grow someday!"
How many times I have heard people say, "Well, they are going to have to listen to people when they grow up, they need to start learning that now!" Do I really want to take that harsh viewpoint? Pulling the petals apart because the flower is going to "have to grow eventually"? No. I want my children to grow up beautifully, at their own pace, knowing deep down that they are important. That their needs matter. I want them to value themselves. This will allow them to see others as important. As people whose needs matter too. They will have the same compassion and respect for others that they have for themselves.
They will develop this in time, as they mature.
As a child, I do not expect them to have that compassion, or respect for others as an automatic response. They are still growing. This is the time when they need that gentle watering, that loving environment.
When children feel that their needs are not being met they may scream, or lash out. But this is not the time for reprimands, it is the time for understanding. I do not want to look back years later, and realize that I pulled apart the petals of my child's growth too soon. The damage done would only cause my loved one to have to begin again, trying to mature without interruption. And if I continue to rush their development, how much longer will it take?
And if I crush the flower, not allowing the petals to open, am I being protective, or am I stopping its growth?
Their is no need to decide When to Pull Petals Apart (by forcing a child to do something they are not ready to do), or When to Hold the Petals Closed (by not allowing a child to do something they are ready for). The child will grow on its own.
I want to stand back, and watch my child grow, watering when needed, being the sunshine of love, and just enjoying the beauty of each one of my wonderful children.
I am going to follow the advice I heard from a fellow unschooler:
"I encourage everyone to take whatever it is that they are struggling with the most, and just Let It Go. Release it. Stop fighting... and I think you will be so unbelievably blessed by the results. Joy follows."
My children will listen. When it is time. When they learn to. On their own. They will listen if it is right. They will not bow to unrealistic demands. They will listen compassionately to those who need when their needs have been met. When they have grown enough through people listening compassionately to them.
I was thinking about when I get stressed out, and make demands, how my husband gives of himself when I need, and how he does it without blame a lot of the time, even when I could be seen as selfish in the way I "demand" that I "need" uninterrupted time to get things done, and how I "need" help with the house and taking care of the children's needs. He sees that I have a need, not that I am being demanding. He is most able to see this when his needs have been met, i.e., he is not hungry, sleepy, or stressed out. I appreciate it when he is able to do this for me, and I want to do the same for my children. In fact, I want everyone to do the same for my children, and my children to do the same for everyone else.... But I am not the one who can choose those things. I can only choose my actions and reactions.
So, instead of beginning my day thinking of myself as a mother duck trailing her ducklings, I am going to admire the beauty of the process, of the six flowers that I had the pleasure of giving birth to, unfolding around me.
I titled this post Like Flowers Unfolding, because that is how I have begun to see my children. I want to extend this viewpoint to myself, and to others around me, because it encourages compassion in me. Seeing my children as flowers unfolding came to my mind as I was thinking about how I want to let them have time to grow at their own rate.
I see where that is just a compassionate response that I have been somewhat lacking in because I did not use it with myself, and therefore my needs were not being met. And I am learning that instead of hating myself, I can see myself as a person who has a hard time being compassionate, because I have had no reservoir of self love to draw from. Allowing myself to meet my own needs is creating a compassionate response in me.
Watching this process this morning in my mind, I can see that it is a slow one, and a process that requires gentleness. Like a flower needs time, and gentle watering, and sunshine to unfold its petals, a person needs time, gentle communication, and love to unfold as he/she grows. Make no mistake, it will happen. People will grow as surely as the flowers.
I can do damage to my children too, by pushing them to do something against their will (when they are not ready for it) This will only damage their growth. It would be like a flowers petals being pulled apart "because it is going to have to grow someday!"
How many times I have heard people say, "Well, they are going to have to listen to people when they grow up, they need to start learning that now!" Do I really want to take that harsh viewpoint? Pulling the petals apart because the flower is going to "have to grow eventually"? No. I want my children to grow up beautifully, at their own pace, knowing deep down that they are important. That their needs matter. I want them to value themselves. This will allow them to see others as important. As people whose needs matter too. They will have the same compassion and respect for others that they have for themselves.
They will develop this in time, as they mature.
As a child, I do not expect them to have that compassion, or respect for others as an automatic response. They are still growing. This is the time when they need that gentle watering, that loving environment.
When children feel that their needs are not being met they may scream, or lash out. But this is not the time for reprimands, it is the time for understanding. I do not want to look back years later, and realize that I pulled apart the petals of my child's growth too soon. The damage done would only cause my loved one to have to begin again, trying to mature without interruption. And if I continue to rush their development, how much longer will it take?
And if I crush the flower, not allowing the petals to open, am I being protective, or am I stopping its growth?
Their is no need to decide When to Pull Petals Apart (by forcing a child to do something they are not ready to do), or When to Hold the Petals Closed (by not allowing a child to do something they are ready for). The child will grow on its own.
I want to stand back, and watch my child grow, watering when needed, being the sunshine of love, and just enjoying the beauty of each one of my wonderful children.
I am going to follow the advice I heard from a fellow unschooler:
"I encourage everyone to take whatever it is that they are struggling with the most, and just Let It Go. Release it. Stop fighting... and I think you will be so unbelievably blessed by the results. Joy follows."
My children will listen. When it is time. When they learn to. On their own. They will listen if it is right. They will not bow to unrealistic demands. They will listen compassionately to those who need when their needs have been met. When they have grown enough through people listening compassionately to them.
I was thinking about when I get stressed out, and make demands, how my husband gives of himself when I need, and how he does it without blame a lot of the time, even when I could be seen as selfish in the way I "demand" that I "need" uninterrupted time to get things done, and how I "need" help with the house and taking care of the children's needs. He sees that I have a need, not that I am being demanding. He is most able to see this when his needs have been met, i.e., he is not hungry, sleepy, or stressed out. I appreciate it when he is able to do this for me, and I want to do the same for my children. In fact, I want everyone to do the same for my children, and my children to do the same for everyone else.... But I am not the one who can choose those things. I can only choose my actions and reactions.
So, instead of beginning my day thinking of myself as a mother duck trailing her ducklings, I am going to admire the beauty of the process, of the six flowers that I had the pleasure of giving birth to, unfolding around me.
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
I don't want to be an insecure, people pleaser anymore
People pleasing is extremely stressful! I lived the last 12 years at least of my life people pleasing, and it made me unhappy to say the very least.
It is so nerve wracking stepping out on my own. Even people pleasing is a hard habit to break. Sometimes I fear rejection. But then I look back at how I've been unhappy for so many years, and I realize I have a choice. I can choose to please others, and suffer long term internal consequences with external periodic benefits, or I can choose what is right for me and my family, and reap internal, ongoing benefits with a few temporary external consequences.
Being me is certainly something different. I've been chasing perfection for so long, it' s wonderful to just sit back, drink some coffee, and relax in my humanity.
Oh! that reminds me of a poem I wrote the other day... I'll go get my journal and post it...
By Lake Anna on my "day off"
In this moment I am human
I am happy.
On perfection's shoulders
lies a misery
a dark cloak of anxiety
On humanity's shoulders, lightly worn
lies a mantle of happiness
flexible, reliable, warm
I am human
I am not perfect
nor will I ever be.
I am content.
It is so nerve wracking stepping out on my own. Even people pleasing is a hard habit to break. Sometimes I fear rejection. But then I look back at how I've been unhappy for so many years, and I realize I have a choice. I can choose to please others, and suffer long term internal consequences with external periodic benefits, or I can choose what is right for me and my family, and reap internal, ongoing benefits with a few temporary external consequences.
Being me is certainly something different. I've been chasing perfection for so long, it' s wonderful to just sit back, drink some coffee, and relax in my humanity.
Oh! that reminds me of a poem I wrote the other day... I'll go get my journal and post it...
By Lake Anna on my "day off"
In this moment I am human
I am happy.
On perfection's shoulders
lies a misery
a dark cloak of anxiety
On humanity's shoulders, lightly worn
lies a mantle of happiness
flexible, reliable, warm
I am human
I am not perfect
nor will I ever be.
I am content.
Friday, April 25, 2008
What I want to believe about chidren and chores
March 2008
The other day my husband stopped one of the kids from coming into the kitchen the other day with a loud, “Stop! You’re getting mud all over the floor! I just swept it! Now you HAVE to clean that up!” I believe I have said the same thing to them just the other day after they had played outside for a while (which coincidentally is something we were VERY happy they were doing instead of playing video games, so we should have just kept our mouths shut! ☺)
I know we would never have spoken to our adult family that way. We probably would have calmly asked them to take their shoes off at the door, as they were getting mud on the floor. We may not have even mentioned the fact that we just cleaned the floor, as this would have added an extra measure of guilt to what we said, as if they were doing the dirtying OUR CLEAN floor on purpose. But for some reason, we feel the need to react more strongly to our kids, as if they DID do whatever it was on purpose!
Hearing him say that to them, and remembering how I’d just said the same thing to them in the same screeching “AHH! Look what you are doing!” manner, it made me think.
When someone cleans something willingly, they take pride in the way it looks. They want it to stay the way that they put it. I believe I have seen my children have that same reaction before, and I want to see that in them tomorrow, next week, next year, etc…
But how do I accomplish that in the short term? What does it look like? I do not believe that it looks like a list of chores that they MUST do. I do not believe that it looks like constantly telling them that they SHOULD feel responsible. I do not even believe that it looks like me telling them that I feel disrespected when they choose not to clean (something I did yesterday), because that could have come off like a guilt trip when I was only trying to be honest.
I am formulating what I think it should look like. Here’s the start:
Kid’s POV: Cleaning isn’t fun. Mom and Dad always want to FORCE us to help do it, and they always complain if we don’t. It must be either really hard, or just no fun at all. Why else would they ask us to help all the time? They don’t ask us to help do their computer or business work. THAT must be fun, because they like to do it all on their own.
Me: Hey! (Light bulb moment!) Maybe that’s why they always want to get jobs outside the house! That’s what they see us ‘having fun’ doing!
My problem is, that I’ve been looking at the issue of cleaning house from my current point of view as a parent. I need to remember what it was like as a kid.
Kid’s POV: My room is mine. The rest of the house is my mom and dad’s.
Kids don’t think this because they are selfish! They think it because that is the way it seems to them. Quite possibly because this is what we convey to them…
Possibly our constant warning them off of destroying everything in the house causes them to think that those things are OUR concern, not theirs, leading them to believe that it is OUR responsibility to fix them. i.e. the couch (don’t jump on that couch, it’s gonna break, and then we’ll have to buy another one!) the carpet, (don’t eat that THERE! You’re going to stain the carpet, and we don’t have the money to replace it!), the walls (write on paper, not on the walls! Then I HAVE to clean it all up!), the dishes (put those dishes in the sink so I don’t have to!), the electricity (turn off those lights, you’re wasting electricity!), the table (don’t bang that on the table, you’re going to mark it up!), the heat (shut that door, you’re letting all the heat out!) Money again.
Maybe if we acted like THEY actually cared about these things themselves, and just casually mentioned what the consequences of their actions do, they may begin to feel responsibility for those material items (as they mature). Like say, “When you eat in hear it really increases the chances of the carpet getting dirty.” Or, “when you leave that door open, the heating bills go up.”
Or, “when you jump on the couch it breaks it down little by little.” Casually mentioning these things every once in a while, lets them learn by osmosis, without ruining your relationship with them.
I know, I know… but what about in the mean time? What about ages 1 to 4, 5, or even 6 or 7 in some kids who don’t mature as fast? Are you supposed to just LIVE with all that mess, or broken couches for 7 whole years???
Well, that’s the tricky part.
When you had kids, did you think that they were going to act like little adults? Did you expect them to walk and talk as soon as they were born? Did you expect them to write thank you letters for their birthday gifts when they were 2? Those things seem absurd, right? Well, I think that it is just as absurd to expect to have a clean house when your kids are little.
And I don’t know about you, but my ultimate goal is not to keep a clean, unbroken house.
My goal is to build a loving relationship with my kids. I want to say and do things in the short term that build our relationship, not tear it down. I am not in the business of “preparing my kids for life”. I am in the business of living life with my kids!!
So, that said, how do you “get" your kids to mature and feel responsible to keep the house clean?
You don’t.
Now don’t let that throw you. Go back to the paragraph above about newborns walking and talking and such. You just sat back and watched in amazement at how your baby began doing those things at whatever age they did, right? You didn’t hound them at 3 months, or 5 months, or even a year of age if they weren’t walking… You let them get it at their own pace. You KNEW that they would! You trusted that people naturally learn to walk on their own timetable, right? Well. It’s the same with every other area of life. Including feeling responsibility. They WILL get it. They WILL begin to feel responsible. Regardless of (or in most cases) in spite of the fact that they are constantly hounded to get it earlier than they are ready.
If we have patience knowing that they WILL become responsible, and act like the house IS theirs, instead of acting like they are getting OUR things dirty, or ruining OUR clean floor, or breaking OUR couch down, we will be ALLOWING them to develop responsibility like we allowed them to learn to walk... On their timetable, without interference.
They are kids - they don’t feel responsible yet because they haven't grown into that yet... because making money isn’t their job YET, they haven’t experienced the fear of needing to make more because they failed to take care of something YET. Their current stage of maturity means that they will forget a little easier to care about the carpet, and the couch, and the heat, and the electricity..etc.
So what DO you do then? Let's imagine you had a friend over to the house.
How would you talk to them about your just mopped floor?
You know that they care about your feelings. You would probably not feel the need to screech at them. You would probably feel that you only need to calmly mention what happens when they do that. Maybe if they kept forgetting over and over, and you didn’t understand how a person could do that (like how some adults who borrow things, and never seem to take care of them), you would feel somewhat irritated, and maybe not WANT to let them borrow again…. But would you actually carry that out? And if you did tell them they couldn't use your stuff anymore, would you tell them how much it means to you, or how much you’d have to pay for it if it were broken? Or would that just be like a guilt trip and an assumption that they could really care less about your feelings, and your possessions.
You probably wouldn’t screech, “Hey! Don’t get mud on my clean floor!” That might imply to them that you think, “I know you don’t care about that, but I DO!!”
Kids DO care. But they can about you....NOT the floor. So, rather than focusing on the floor, focus on their caring for you and your feelings.
Scenario: Kid walks onto clean floor with muddy shoes.
Adult: Could you please take your shoes off? I just mopped the floor, and I don't like seeing it get dirty. Thank you.
Or maybe just.. Could you please take your shoes off? If the kid is over age 8 or so...because by then, they probably already know why you want them to take them off, and they would have if they would have thought of it themselves, but they were probably thinking about something else at the minute.
My whole point about kids and chores, is that we don't need to force or coerce them into doing them. Being people, they will naturally come along, and mature into helping around the house when asked, and later on, before being asked, if we just let them grow at their own pace. Just like walking and talking... they walk with help from our hands, then they walk on their own. They copy our words haltingly at first, then better and better until they talk well. They do not suddenly walk or talk because "they are old enough, and we think they ought to start doing it!" There is nothing necessary to be done, except living alongside them as an example. They will watch and copy.. Monkey see, Monkey do. Birds Fly, Fish Swim, Humans Learn.
And for the school of thought that says, "But they have to learn NOW, or they won't do it when they get into the "real" world!".. Albert Einstein said, "Childhood is NOT a dress rehearsal." Amen, Albert. Childhood is real life too. Wasn't your childhood an attached part of your life?
The other day my husband stopped one of the kids from coming into the kitchen the other day with a loud, “Stop! You’re getting mud all over the floor! I just swept it! Now you HAVE to clean that up!” I believe I have said the same thing to them just the other day after they had played outside for a while (which coincidentally is something we were VERY happy they were doing instead of playing video games, so we should have just kept our mouths shut! ☺)
I know we would never have spoken to our adult family that way. We probably would have calmly asked them to take their shoes off at the door, as they were getting mud on the floor. We may not have even mentioned the fact that we just cleaned the floor, as this would have added an extra measure of guilt to what we said, as if they were doing the dirtying OUR CLEAN floor on purpose. But for some reason, we feel the need to react more strongly to our kids, as if they DID do whatever it was on purpose!
Hearing him say that to them, and remembering how I’d just said the same thing to them in the same screeching “AHH! Look what you are doing!” manner, it made me think.
When someone cleans something willingly, they take pride in the way it looks. They want it to stay the way that they put it. I believe I have seen my children have that same reaction before, and I want to see that in them tomorrow, next week, next year, etc…
But how do I accomplish that in the short term? What does it look like? I do not believe that it looks like a list of chores that they MUST do. I do not believe that it looks like constantly telling them that they SHOULD feel responsible. I do not even believe that it looks like me telling them that I feel disrespected when they choose not to clean (something I did yesterday), because that could have come off like a guilt trip when I was only trying to be honest.
I am formulating what I think it should look like. Here’s the start:
Kid’s POV: Cleaning isn’t fun. Mom and Dad always want to FORCE us to help do it, and they always complain if we don’t. It must be either really hard, or just no fun at all. Why else would they ask us to help all the time? They don’t ask us to help do their computer or business work. THAT must be fun, because they like to do it all on their own.
Me: Hey! (Light bulb moment!) Maybe that’s why they always want to get jobs outside the house! That’s what they see us ‘having fun’ doing!
My problem is, that I’ve been looking at the issue of cleaning house from my current point of view as a parent. I need to remember what it was like as a kid.
Kid’s POV: My room is mine. The rest of the house is my mom and dad’s.
Kids don’t think this because they are selfish! They think it because that is the way it seems to them. Quite possibly because this is what we convey to them…
Possibly our constant warning them off of destroying everything in the house causes them to think that those things are OUR concern, not theirs, leading them to believe that it is OUR responsibility to fix them. i.e. the couch (don’t jump on that couch, it’s gonna break, and then we’ll have to buy another one!) the carpet, (don’t eat that THERE! You’re going to stain the carpet, and we don’t have the money to replace it!), the walls (write on paper, not on the walls! Then I HAVE to clean it all up!), the dishes (put those dishes in the sink so I don’t have to!), the electricity (turn off those lights, you’re wasting electricity!), the table (don’t bang that on the table, you’re going to mark it up!), the heat (shut that door, you’re letting all the heat out!) Money again.
Maybe if we acted like THEY actually cared about these things themselves, and just casually mentioned what the consequences of their actions do, they may begin to feel responsibility for those material items (as they mature). Like say, “When you eat in hear it really increases the chances of the carpet getting dirty.” Or, “when you leave that door open, the heating bills go up.”
Or, “when you jump on the couch it breaks it down little by little.” Casually mentioning these things every once in a while, lets them learn by osmosis, without ruining your relationship with them.
I know, I know… but what about in the mean time? What about ages 1 to 4, 5, or even 6 or 7 in some kids who don’t mature as fast? Are you supposed to just LIVE with all that mess, or broken couches for 7 whole years???
Well, that’s the tricky part.
When you had kids, did you think that they were going to act like little adults? Did you expect them to walk and talk as soon as they were born? Did you expect them to write thank you letters for their birthday gifts when they were 2? Those things seem absurd, right? Well, I think that it is just as absurd to expect to have a clean house when your kids are little.
And I don’t know about you, but my ultimate goal is not to keep a clean, unbroken house.
My goal is to build a loving relationship with my kids. I want to say and do things in the short term that build our relationship, not tear it down. I am not in the business of “preparing my kids for life”. I am in the business of living life with my kids!!
So, that said, how do you “get" your kids to mature and feel responsible to keep the house clean?
You don’t.
Now don’t let that throw you. Go back to the paragraph above about newborns walking and talking and such. You just sat back and watched in amazement at how your baby began doing those things at whatever age they did, right? You didn’t hound them at 3 months, or 5 months, or even a year of age if they weren’t walking… You let them get it at their own pace. You KNEW that they would! You trusted that people naturally learn to walk on their own timetable, right? Well. It’s the same with every other area of life. Including feeling responsibility. They WILL get it. They WILL begin to feel responsible. Regardless of (or in most cases) in spite of the fact that they are constantly hounded to get it earlier than they are ready.
If we have patience knowing that they WILL become responsible, and act like the house IS theirs, instead of acting like they are getting OUR things dirty, or ruining OUR clean floor, or breaking OUR couch down, we will be ALLOWING them to develop responsibility like we allowed them to learn to walk... On their timetable, without interference.
They are kids - they don’t feel responsible yet because they haven't grown into that yet... because making money isn’t their job YET, they haven’t experienced the fear of needing to make more because they failed to take care of something YET. Their current stage of maturity means that they will forget a little easier to care about the carpet, and the couch, and the heat, and the electricity..etc.
So what DO you do then? Let's imagine you had a friend over to the house.
How would you talk to them about your just mopped floor?
You know that they care about your feelings. You would probably not feel the need to screech at them. You would probably feel that you only need to calmly mention what happens when they do that. Maybe if they kept forgetting over and over, and you didn’t understand how a person could do that (like how some adults who borrow things, and never seem to take care of them), you would feel somewhat irritated, and maybe not WANT to let them borrow again…. But would you actually carry that out? And if you did tell them they couldn't use your stuff anymore, would you tell them how much it means to you, or how much you’d have to pay for it if it were broken? Or would that just be like a guilt trip and an assumption that they could really care less about your feelings, and your possessions.
You probably wouldn’t screech, “Hey! Don’t get mud on my clean floor!” That might imply to them that you think, “I know you don’t care about that, but I DO!!”
Kids DO care. But they can about you....NOT the floor. So, rather than focusing on the floor, focus on their caring for you and your feelings.
Scenario: Kid walks onto clean floor with muddy shoes.
Adult: Could you please take your shoes off? I just mopped the floor, and I don't like seeing it get dirty. Thank you.
Or maybe just.. Could you please take your shoes off? If the kid is over age 8 or so...because by then, they probably already know why you want them to take them off, and they would have if they would have thought of it themselves, but they were probably thinking about something else at the minute.
My whole point about kids and chores, is that we don't need to force or coerce them into doing them. Being people, they will naturally come along, and mature into helping around the house when asked, and later on, before being asked, if we just let them grow at their own pace. Just like walking and talking... they walk with help from our hands, then they walk on their own. They copy our words haltingly at first, then better and better until they talk well. They do not suddenly walk or talk because "they are old enough, and we think they ought to start doing it!" There is nothing necessary to be done, except living alongside them as an example. They will watch and copy.. Monkey see, Monkey do. Birds Fly, Fish Swim, Humans Learn.
And for the school of thought that says, "But they have to learn NOW, or they won't do it when they get into the "real" world!".. Albert Einstein said, "Childhood is NOT a dress rehearsal." Amen, Albert. Childhood is real life too. Wasn't your childhood an attached part of your life?
Saturday, April 05, 2008
Desiderata
DesiderataGo placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly and listen to others, even the dull and ignorant; they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons; they are vexations to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter, for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time. Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is perennial as the grass. Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars. You have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive God to be; and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul. With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.
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Friday, March 28, 2008
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Out of the Jungle of Old Habits of thought
It used to seem that my husband and I *could not be compatible* when we each had such different ways of thinking about parenting. But then we decided that our relationship was more important than our current difference of opinion, and chose to just keep loving each other, and in the meantime, talk through each disagreement that came up.
I have been struggling with something that I found hard to put into words, but I am going to give it a go because I am hoping to help myself process it faster for my kids' sake.
I am doing my best to stay in a *person to person* mindset with my kids, instead of that *parent to child* relationship. My husband is really throwing me off though, when he asks questions about why I make certain decisions, "where do I think the kids will end up after that particular decision I made,etc.." and he leads me off into the jungle of old habits of thinking, and I find it really hard to find my way back to the open field of freedom.
I think that maybe this morning, I've started to find my way there, and maybe I can mark the trail enough for him to at least *see* which way I went, even if he doesn't want to *go there* with me. It is, of course, his choice, because it IS his life. :)
Oftentimes, when I want to "give" the kids their freedom, he has a scenario in which this wouldn't be a good idea, and he thinks that this should *prove* to me that "giving" them THEIR freedom is not a good idea *all* the time. He thinks he is compromising with me, by "giving" them their freedom a LOT of the time.
A good comparison for me of "giving" freedom, would be one of prisoners in a halfway house situation. (and I don't know all the ins and outs of one of these places, I'm just guessing). They get to "have" their freedom for *most* of the day. They choose where to get a job, what time to get up, what color socks to wear, how many layers of clothing to wear (they decide based on their own comfort level), what they want to eat for breakfast, the mode of transportation they use to get to work, what they eat for lunch, what route they choose to drive to and from, they go to the bathroom when they have to, etc, etc...
My point is, they have *a lot* of freedom in comparison to people in a locked down prison situation. (My husband likes to compare how he gives such freedoms to our kids, like so many other parents don't.)
He said to me the other day, "Michelle, you HAVE the authority. You just CHOOSE to give it to the kids." I struggled with how to answer that. My gut feeling (YAY! I actually listen to those now!) was NO, they naturally HAVE autonomy, but lots of people believe that parents SHOULD have authority over them. But I wasn't as articulate as I feel I am about it now.
A lot of times, I have unarticulated thoughts in my head, and I find them articulated in verbal conversations with other people, in books, online, or, they just come out articulated in their own time from my own subconscious mind. This time it was in a post on a message board.
Someone made the point that we aren't "giving" our kids their freedom. It IS their inalienable human right. That resonated with my heart. Something inside me said, "Yes! That's what I think too! How can we be "giving" them something that is a human right they were born with?!" It felt, and feels, so wrong to me.
Which leads me back to the halfway house/locked down prison scenario. Either way, the prisoners are being GIVEN the right to make choices. In the locked down (very authoritative parent) scenario, the choices aren't many. In the halfway house scenario, the choices are SO much more. But they are both under a certain final authority... you can see where I am going with this.
And following my husbands' train of thought, he would be thinking, "Yes, I am under authority, too. I am under the 'have to provide for my family' authority, and the 'authority of God' "... I'm sure there are many other 'authorities' he puts himself under, giving him reason to want to put the kids under his authority, so that they aren't so shocked "when they grow up" at the levels of restraint put on them.... I think I'm getting into his head just the littlest bit now... He's a hard nut to crack sometimes. He certainly views the children's lives now as a preparation for the "real" world. I don't agree. I think they ARE in the REAL world NOW! They are learning what they need to learn for the place that they are in now.
We may find a lot of people who agree with us when we say that we think it'd be a "good experience" for them to go to school for a year. But what if the child does not think it's a good idea? How is it good for them then? Will they be ready, receptive, and open to the experience? I think not. I think they will be filtering the experience through their feeling of being "forced" to go for a year.
When they are ready, receptive, and open, they will learn. THAT'S when the experience is fully taken in. Not until then. When they are closed to an experience by feelings of sadness, fear, or anger, not much else gets in. Their heads are full of their own thoughts and emotions. Better to wait until they are open to a new experience. Then they will excitedly open themselves to new and positive things.
My way out of the jungle is beginning to come clear to me. Dare I follow my own path?!
"They learn cause and effect by making choices. It is
unavoidable. If they cut their hair short and they aren't happy with
the results, then they can file that away for the future. It doesn't
have to be labeled "good" or "bad" but just, "Hmm, maybe not so short
next time."
To themselves.
If they have someone telling them that they
made a mistake, then that can be damaging, IMO. They start to (maybe
only the sensitive ones, maybe only with repeated instances) feel like
they can't do anything right.
But if the parent gives them "freedom for
freedom's sake", then they are free to
experiment until they find something that makes them happy.
Freedom is connected to
happiness *and* learning, IMO. If it makes me tense and frustrated to
give them freedom with the goal of allowing them to learn, then maybe I can be more
relaxed and happy by giving them freedom just because that *should* be their inalienable human right.
I have been struggling with something that I found hard to put into words, but I am going to give it a go because I am hoping to help myself process it faster for my kids' sake.
I am doing my best to stay in a *person to person* mindset with my kids, instead of that *parent to child* relationship. My husband is really throwing me off though, when he asks questions about why I make certain decisions, "where do I think the kids will end up after that particular decision I made,etc.." and he leads me off into the jungle of old habits of thinking, and I find it really hard to find my way back to the open field of freedom.
I think that maybe this morning, I've started to find my way there, and maybe I can mark the trail enough for him to at least *see* which way I went, even if he doesn't want to *go there* with me. It is, of course, his choice, because it IS his life. :)
Oftentimes, when I want to "give" the kids their freedom, he has a scenario in which this wouldn't be a good idea, and he thinks that this should *prove* to me that "giving" them THEIR freedom is not a good idea *all* the time. He thinks he is compromising with me, by "giving" them their freedom a LOT of the time.
A good comparison for me of "giving" freedom, would be one of prisoners in a halfway house situation. (and I don't know all the ins and outs of one of these places, I'm just guessing). They get to "have" their freedom for *most* of the day. They choose where to get a job, what time to get up, what color socks to wear, how many layers of clothing to wear (they decide based on their own comfort level), what they want to eat for breakfast, the mode of transportation they use to get to work, what they eat for lunch, what route they choose to drive to and from, they go to the bathroom when they have to, etc, etc...
My point is, they have *a lot* of freedom in comparison to people in a locked down prison situation. (My husband likes to compare how he gives such freedoms to our kids, like so many other parents don't.)
He said to me the other day, "Michelle, you HAVE the authority. You just CHOOSE to give it to the kids." I struggled with how to answer that. My gut feeling (YAY! I actually listen to those now!) was NO, they naturally HAVE autonomy, but lots of people believe that parents SHOULD have authority over them. But I wasn't as articulate as I feel I am about it now.
A lot of times, I have unarticulated thoughts in my head, and I find them articulated in verbal conversations with other people, in books, online, or, they just come out articulated in their own time from my own subconscious mind. This time it was in a post on a message board.
Someone made the point that we aren't "giving" our kids their freedom. It IS their inalienable human right. That resonated with my heart. Something inside me said, "Yes! That's what I think too! How can we be "giving" them something that is a human right they were born with?!" It felt, and feels, so wrong to me.
Which leads me back to the halfway house/locked down prison scenario. Either way, the prisoners are being GIVEN the right to make choices. In the locked down (very authoritative parent) scenario, the choices aren't many. In the halfway house scenario, the choices are SO much more. But they are both under a certain final authority... you can see where I am going with this.
And following my husbands' train of thought, he would be thinking, "Yes, I am under authority, too. I am under the 'have to provide for my family' authority, and the 'authority of God' "... I'm sure there are many other 'authorities' he puts himself under, giving him reason to want to put the kids under his authority, so that they aren't so shocked "when they grow up" at the levels of restraint put on them.... I think I'm getting into his head just the littlest bit now... He's a hard nut to crack sometimes. He certainly views the children's lives now as a preparation for the "real" world. I don't agree. I think they ARE in the REAL world NOW! They are learning what they need to learn for the place that they are in now.
We may find a lot of people who agree with us when we say that we think it'd be a "good experience" for them to go to school for a year. But what if the child does not think it's a good idea? How is it good for them then? Will they be ready, receptive, and open to the experience? I think not. I think they will be filtering the experience through their feeling of being "forced" to go for a year.
When they are ready, receptive, and open, they will learn. THAT'S when the experience is fully taken in. Not until then. When they are closed to an experience by feelings of sadness, fear, or anger, not much else gets in. Their heads are full of their own thoughts and emotions. Better to wait until they are open to a new experience. Then they will excitedly open themselves to new and positive things.
My way out of the jungle is beginning to come clear to me. Dare I follow my own path?!
"They learn cause and effect by making choices. It is
unavoidable. If they cut their hair short and they aren't happy with
the results, then they can file that away for the future. It doesn't
have to be labeled "good" or "bad" but just, "Hmm, maybe not so short
next time."
To themselves.
If they have someone telling them that they
made a mistake, then that can be damaging, IMO. They start to (maybe
only the sensitive ones, maybe only with repeated instances) feel like
they can't do anything right.
But if the parent gives them "freedom for
freedom's sake", then they are free to
experiment until they find something that makes them happy.
Freedom is connected to
happiness *and* learning, IMO. If it makes me tense and frustrated to
give them freedom with the goal of allowing them to learn, then maybe I can be more
relaxed and happy by giving them freedom just because that *should* be their inalienable human right.
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