Finding My Way

I had an interesting experience yesterday. I "put my Grandpa to bed with a dirt shovel", as Billy Delaney would say. I went to the graveyard after the rest of my family left, and watched the men lower my grandfather's casket into the ground next to my grandmother's. I was the only member of my whole family to see her casket (well, the metal vault her casket is in), since we buried her 18 years ago. It felt like seeing her again, or at least feeling her presence. The lives people live are never what they seem I think. Sometimes the truth comes out, and sometimes it doesn't. Why is it that we are so prideful as to look down on others for their hidden sins, while we keep ours "in the closet"? Some, I think are certainly more harmful than others, and therefore are sometimes best hidden.... but why do we have this psuedo reality that we try to create? Why not publish the drama? Wouldn't life be a whole lot more interesting? I mean, isn't that why we have books, movies, and TV? Because we LIKE interesting stuff... But then we try to keep our life as predictable as possible. We don't want to cry in front of people, and we don't want our kids to ever do ANYTHING wrong, and we "should" all over ourselves daily, multiple times a day... and for what? We only have 80 years on this earth. Give or take a few, and barring accidents or disease....
I want to live to the fullest. I feel like I am doing the best I can for the most part. I have six children. This provides never ending entertainment, drama, love, tears, frustration, love, kisses and hugs, long conversations, heated arguments, dancing, playing, laughter, love, time spent together, trips to the library, 90 degree days spent swimming, sleepovers, the pleasure of seeing them walk, talk, figure things out, grow up into their own people.... and did I mention the love? I've started doing my best to allow my kids to express their feelings. I don't spank them for crying anymore, and I rarely tell them to "stop it" like I used to. I focus on finding out why they are crying, and do my best to help them feel better. If it's an angry crying, and it's happening because they can't have something, then I try to get them a substitute, or just focus on something else positive they are going to get to do. I am stretching my patience farther than I ever have, and I am enjoying it. Please, oh please, God, don't let it be the Zoloft that is allowing me to be this way. I want to live how I have been recently for the rest of my life. With a postive mindset - not a fearful, guilt ridden, distrusting the human race, one that I was conditioned to have. I am reconditioning my mind to have faith in other people. Especially my children. I no longer believe that they are out to "disobey" when they do something contrary to my liking. I know that they are just following their desires. There is no "evil plan" in their heads to do their best to overthrow my "parental control". I don't want parental control!! I want them to be their own persons. I want them to make good decisions for themselves! I want to help guide them for certain, but I do NOT want to control them.
I am finding my way into such a peaceful place. And enjoying the journey.
Of course sometimes I get sidetracked, thinking that maybe the grass is greener on the other side. But I've seen from observing others that it's not. My grass is green, and keeps getting greener. The more I look for things to love, the more I see. Tonight I soaked in the sight of my sleeping little nine month old, Nae Nae (Nathan). His blond hair that grows just around the base of his head (like an old man's) is about an inch and a half long. Just long enough to make a curl sweeping out from his head, and up. Just above his sweet little ear. His chubby jaws hung slack and his little lips hung open in that relaxed with sleep "o". What a beautiful sight. And what a wonderous thing to touch my lips to his sweet velvety cheek and press. I held them there for a few seconds, just enjoying the softness. This time slips by so fast, and we take it for granted so much....
May you savor the details of your life as they go slipping through your fingers.