Saturday, June 21, 2008

A DOG!?


Well, we finally did it. We took the big leap and got our first real pet (beyond one try at a hampster, and some fish). Chloe is her name, and she is a golden retriever/chow mix, although it's tough for me to see the chow in her.
We made the leap after many years of refusing to consent to our kids' and our own desires for a dog because "it'd be too much money" and "too much work".
But about 2 weeks ago a new neighbor moved in behind us. We got daily lengthy visits from Chloe, and the kids loved playing with her.
One day she brought us a gift. A dead skunk. Travis (our 10 year old son all the way to the left in the above pic) was man enough to pick it up (with bags on his hands) and throw it in the woods.. but that's another story. Which I'll post next as it is really a good part of our story.
The kids ran around the neighborhood with Chloe, and her owner, Lori, saw them as she was out searching in her car for her dog. She said that Chloe kept breaking through her fence, and she was going to have to fix it. She did fix it, but Chloe got through yesterday, and someone called the warden. Lori got a call saying that they had taken her to our county's pound, and if she wanted her she'd have to come get her.
Lori came to tell us that she was going to have to make a hard choice, and wanted to know if we wanted to keep Chloe. She's really a kids' rough and tumble dog, age 6, and she misses the fun she had with Lori's son before he went off to college. She just sits in the house most days now while Lori and her husband are at work, and Lori didn't feel that it was fair to her because she is such a social dog. She'd been struggling with what to do with her for a while, and with her being at the pound, she'd nearly decided to hope that someone adopted her (or else she'd probably get put down). Then she thought of how much fun Chloe had been having with our kids. So. We have a dog. A big dog. No easing into it. Just a big in house dog now. Nothin' to it, but to do it, right? :) Wow. A dog. My husband likes the idea of her being here when he's out on trips. The kids love having a dog to take care of (which by the way, we had a family meeting, and they all agreed to pitch in for dog food from their jobs, to walk her, and to set up a sweeping schedule so that the house gets swept twice a week). So, here we go. A new chapter in our lives. Family of 8, plus one canine (and a few fish).

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Some unschooling wisdom from real life RU'ers

I wanted to remind myself of the awesome advice I get from other unschoolers out there on the web. I may never be their friend in person because of distance between us, but, I hold them close to my heart because we all share a love for our kids that helps us treat them as young human beings, not little robots to mold in our image by sharing with them our fears, and shoulds, and have to's.... Thank you all, Ren, Diana, Meredith, Sandra, Alex, and everyone else...
Here's a recent thread from the Always Unschooled message board:

Admochelle (that's me!) wrote:

"I have a problem. I would love to have the patience to treat each and
every one of my kids with the patience and respect to allow us to work
together as a group, respecting everyone's needs... but how do you do
that when you have 7 people (including me), and many of them are
incapable of seeing past themselves due to their age? It really helps
me have more tolerance for seeming 'disrespect' or non-caring from my
4 year old, when I realize that she doesn't have empathy yet. But
when everyone has different needs, and all is chaos, don't you just
need someone to take the helm, and say, OK. This is what we are doing?
I have seen how crazy the house gets when everyone is tired, and no
one really cares what everyone else wants.. they just need their needs
met. Where do you start with those non-preventable situations...
Well, I guess you would start by taking a deep breath, and trying to
be the calm one. But when that doesn't work because you are so
stressed from outside family stress, where do you go?
Sometimes I feel that it would be a lot easier for the whole family if
my kids just did what they were told, instead of going on a 10 minute
discussion, or waiting for 5 minutes for the 4 year old, or tolerating
her ignoring my request for her to clean up the salt she just poured
all over the floor just because 'she doesn't want to clean it up' (her
words.)
I'm having a really hard time lately with the whole, letting
everyone's needs get met at the same time... It seems nearly
impossible right now."

Alex replied:

"Wouldn't it be less stressful and easier to just take 30 seconds and clean it
yourself?

Can you clean that spilled salt with mommy? ( hand her a little vacuum)
-No. I don't want to clean up.
OK them.
--
Take the little vac and it would take just a few seconds to get it all
cleaned.
Do it happy. Your child is 4 years old. See it as gift to her and you family.
Once your child sees the joy you have in cleaning she/he may want to join you
in it.
Make cleaning fun and joyful and not a power struggle."


Admochelle replied:


"I guess if I didn't worry that she was going to make a habit of not
cleaning up that would be ok. I fear that I am building the thought
pattern in her that mommy will clean everything up, I don't have to."
Admochelle

Alissa replied:
Maybe it would help you to know that once I completely embraced RU
with cleaning I was able to fully appreciate what they did do to help
me, and it's a wonderful feeling!

I often have those times where I feel I'm just going crazy trying to
meet the needs of two little people who ask for something new before I
can complete the first task. ;-) But like a previous poster said, I
calmly explain that I am in the middle of X and they can wait until
I'm done or they can help themselves.

Remember we're not trying to create little robots who just do, and the
point is not that we because we don't require them to clean up after
themselves this will make them all of a sudden *want* to clean up on
their own. But instead I've seen my children finding the knowledge
that if the house is going to stay organized we're the ones who do it.
And that when we're at someone else's house it's a nice gesture to put
away things we played with before we leave. They never feel that they
have to, they do it because they want to. And a lot of the time they
don't, and that's ok, too. They are a lot more likely to come in
beside me and help me with something, though, without me asking, and
certainly without me telling that they need to do it. When it's night
time and everyone's tired, heavens no! But I like to get organized in
the morning, and the kids are often happy to help me pick up messes
from the night before.

Karen wrote:

"If I am feeling stressed by competing demands of my kids, I will
often voice my stress. Not as a complaint against them, but more of
there is only one of me and I can only do one thing at a time. I ask
the kids if there is anyway they can meet their own needs and if they
don't seem able I ask if they can please wait while I do this and
this, and I will get to them as soon as possible."

The kids doing just what they were told probably would be easier if it actually worked. Remember that
it doesn't work and that there are power struggles and resentment and
punishment and rewards that go along with trying to get the kids to
do as they are told. All of which can be very exhausting.

A 10 minute discussion, which could have been a 10 minute tantrum if you had been coercive
instead.

Waiting for 5 minutes for the 4 year old could be a time to embrace the waiting as a moment to relax and breathe or talk or joke with the other kids."

Admochelle wrote:

"Yes, it is true that no parenting method is perfect. I forget that
even when I spanked, there were lots of struggles, and hurt,
non-understanding looks from my kids...
thanks for reminding me.
At least now they know that I am trying to be on their side. I really,
really want to be a partner with my kids... it gets so hard when the
people around me are constantly expecting my kids to 'listen' to me
"because I am the parent"...
I get so fed up with all the anti-partnership/pro-authoritarian comments.

Alex wrote:

"This is a great post from Ren at Ubasics that I swiped with her OK to post
here:"

~~"I think the problem here is that you also got locked in. You had an
expectation of going on that walk. You really wanted to go and it
was taken away from you.~~

I didn't have time to respond earlier, but this is exactly what I was
thinking. I remember having those feelings earlier in this parenting
journey and what I've learned is a very buddhist
concept...non- attachment. Not that I have it down pat or anything!;)

I had this vision of this peaceful unschooling family, smiling and
walking hand-in-hand, joyfully exploring the world, always doing
amazing things and getting along beautifully. Lovely vision right? And
totally unrealistic!

Life is messy. People get irritated with each other, plans change
midstream, milk gets spilled and walks don't always happen. What
matters most is how we embrace the WHOLE. How we can stand there and
hear the kids fighting and see the sink full of dishes and smile to
ourselves because THAT is a part of the beauty.

Sierra wanted to make Bleu a Father's day breakfast. We talked about
getting up before him and cooking something yummy to surprise
him....instead of going to sleep early enough she stayed up until
about 4am and couldn't get up to make breakfast. She stayed up with
her Dad watching tv though, and that time connecting together was more
important than the breakfast in the end.

I could have held onto that idyllic sounding breakfast and been really
bummed out when it didn't happen, I could have made it myself OR I can
just accept the reality that is right in front of me...a sleepy dh and
daughter that enjoy each other's company every day. So what is
Father's day in the face of that? Nothing. It's the daily connections
that matter and we can have a special breakfast anytime we choose.

Let it go...breathe deep and see that your child wanted to take a walk
at a different time than you deemed appropriate. That's ok. Go with
it. Release that "perfect unschooling vision" and BE with what is
happening. It takes some time, but the more you're aware of how you're
being attached to a certain outcome, the better you get at NOT being
attached.:)
I highly recommend "Wherever you go there you are" by Jon Kabat-Zinn."

Ren
learninginfreedom. com


Admochelle wrote:

"I could have written the paragraph about having that vision of the perfectly peaceful unschooling family myself, Ren!
I want to memorize the part about smiling at the dirty dishes and kids fighting! :)
I can do that easily when I bring to mind the
feeling of being home the day after we took one of the kids to the
emergency room for a real emergency. THAT is an easy time to look
around and appreciate the fighting and the dirty dishes, and laundry,
etc... at least the kids are there!
Thanks for reminding me."

Aidan wrote:

"I don't have as many kids as you do, but I do have four, all close in age. Once
I had more than one child that wasn't a baby, I thought my job as a parent was
to make the kids do as they were told. In my first family, well behaved is
number one- so I believed that if my kids weren't living up to those standards,
it meant I was failing.
After a few years of trying to create a situation where
the kids would just do what they were told, I could see that it was a miserable
failure. That kind of discipline takes a mom who is always 'on', who sees
everything, who can divide and conquer. If you have two kids, it can probably be
done passably. And when they do argue or throw a tantrum or disobey, you can
deal with it because there aren't several other kids, taking the
opportunity while your back's turned to wreak havoc or start a fight.
My attempting to be 'at the helm' just encouraged the kids to be more chaotic,
more resistant to my leadership (read: f-you mom, I'll wait until your back is
turned), and less self sufficient. They seemed to enjoy watching my blood boil
as they bounced around wildly in a public place and I ran around trying to catch
them. My take on the whole thing is that when you are seriously outnumbered, you
have to have a lot of self discipline and some serious corporal punishment up
your sleeve to control their behavior.

RU has slowly changed the chaos and adversarial behavior in my house. I have had
to sacrifice a lot too, as a very persistent and goal oriented person. RU does
mean a lot of discussions when you just want to get it over with. But what I've
found is, once the kids feel confident that you will listen and take their
ideas/concerns/needs/preferences seriously, the discussions look more like
talking and compromising and less like whining and screaming tantrums.

Another problem I've had a lot of is general chaos- fighting, giant destructive
mess making, running off in different directions- crazy making. One of the
cornerstones of RU is connections- real authentic I-see-you-and-love-you
connections. For me, with consistent practice, making connections with my kids
has really paid off in the chaos department. The kids listen to me, and they
don't want me to feel bad- it's reflected in their behavior. They empathize with
me simply because I do with them. It's taken time, a lot of time doing it and
still having to deal with outrageous behavior, but now we are definitely turning
a corner.

In the short term, RU seems massively inconvenient and like opening the door to
even more out of control behavior. But I want to encourage you to keep trying,
keep reading the wise words on this list. Because in the long run, you can
have six kids who you have to somehow follow around all the time making
them behave, or you can have six kids who self regulate as far as their
maturity allows."

Sunday, June 15, 2008

Favorite Quotes

There have been so many quotes I have read recently, and have thought, Wow! I really want to remember that! So, I'm going to start a post and update it with all my favorite quotes!
Here's the one I found today:


Whether one believes in a religion or not, and whether one believes
in rebirth or not, there isn't anyone who doesn't appreciate kindness
and compassion.
~Dalai Lama

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Like Flowers Unfolding....

It is 5:06am, and I have been lying awake in bed for the last half hour. I am seeing my mind growing in compassion through the books I have been reading. The language they use helps me to see that the black/white, my way or the highway kind of world I grew up in does not have to be, and that that isn't a bad thing.
I titled this post Like Flowers Unfolding, because that is how I have begun to see my children. I want to extend this viewpoint to myself, and to others around me, because it encourages compassion in me. Seeing my children as flowers unfolding came to my mind as I was thinking about how I want to let them have time to grow at their own rate.
I see where that is just a compassionate response that I have been somewhat lacking in because I did not use it with myself, and therefore my needs were not being met. And I am learning that instead of hating myself, I can see myself as a person who has a hard time being compassionate, because I have had no reservoir of self love to draw from. Allowing myself to meet my own needs is creating a compassionate response in me.

Watching this process this morning in my mind, I can see that it is a slow one, and a process that requires gentleness. Like a flower needs time, and gentle watering, and sunshine to unfold its petals, a person needs time, gentle communication, and love to unfold as he/she grows. Make no mistake, it will happen. People will grow as surely as the flowers.
I can do damage to my children too, by pushing them to do something against their will (when they are not ready for it) This will only damage their growth. It would be like a flowers petals being pulled apart "because it is going to have to grow someday!"
How many times I have heard people say, "Well, they are going to have to listen to people when they grow up, they need to start learning that now!" Do I really want to take that harsh viewpoint? Pulling the petals apart because the flower is going to "have to grow eventually"? No. I want my children to grow up beautifully, at their own pace, knowing deep down that they are important. That their needs matter. I want them to value themselves. This will allow them to see others as important. As people whose needs matter too. They will have the same compassion and respect for others that they have for themselves.
They will develop this in time, as they mature.
As a child, I do not expect them to have that compassion, or respect for others as an automatic response. They are still growing. This is the time when they need that gentle watering, that loving environment.
When children feel that their needs are not being met they may scream, or lash out. But this is not the time for reprimands, it is the time for understanding. I do not want to look back years later, and realize that I pulled apart the petals of my child's growth too soon. The damage done would only cause my loved one to have to begin again, trying to mature without interruption. And if I continue to rush their development, how much longer will it take?
And if I crush the flower, not allowing the petals to open, am I being protective, or am I stopping its growth?
Their is no need to decide When to Pull Petals Apart (by forcing a child to do something they are not ready to do), or When to Hold the Petals Closed (by not allowing a child to do something they are ready for). The child will grow on its own.
I want to stand back, and watch my child grow, watering when needed, being the sunshine of love, and just enjoying the beauty of each one of my wonderful children.
I am going to follow the advice I heard from a fellow unschooler:

"I encourage everyone to take whatever it is that they are struggling with the most, and just Let It Go. Release it. Stop fighting... and I think you will be so unbelievably blessed by the results. Joy follows."

My children will listen. When it is time. When they learn to. On their own. They will listen if it is right. They will not bow to unrealistic demands. They will listen compassionately to those who need when their needs have been met. When they have grown enough through people listening compassionately to them.

I was thinking about when I get stressed out, and make demands, how my husband gives of himself when I need, and how he does it without blame a lot of the time, even when I could be seen as selfish in the way I "demand" that I "need" uninterrupted time to get things done, and how I "need" help with the house and taking care of the children's needs. He sees that I have a need, not that I am being demanding. He is most able to see this when his needs have been met, i.e., he is not hungry, sleepy, or stressed out. I appreciate it when he is able to do this for me, and I want to do the same for my children. In fact, I want everyone to do the same for my children, and my children to do the same for everyone else.... But I am not the one who can choose those things. I can only choose my actions and reactions.
So, instead of beginning my day thinking of myself as a mother duck trailing her ducklings, I am going to admire the beauty of the process, of the six flowers that I had the pleasure of giving birth to, unfolding around me.