Hmmm.... in school or not, Socialization takes place.....

This was posted on a message board by an unschooler, and responded to by an unschooler:

>>>I just know well the
damage mean kids can do to one's self esteem and I hate that!!!<<<

I think that *can* be true but I don't think it has to be true. When we are faced with a child or anyone doing something hurtful we talk about how they are most likely hurting and that they are lashing out. We don't take their lashing out into our hearts, we talk about letting it just pass on through, not "stick" and if at all possible try to reach out and turn it around. I think we can do that because our foundation is family and respect. My memories of "cruel" children were from school and it was REALLY hard in that environment because I was on my own. It's really different for us, the bulk of my girls' interactions are respectful so the ones that aren't are aberrant and treated as such. There is no situation that controls us, we have ample choices and choices empower.

I know some believe the world to be a cruel place. I have not found that to be the case, I think it's filled with wonderful people and ample opportunity for joyful interactions. And as I believe it, it is so :)

Confessions

You wanna know something I just figured out about myself? I'm so severely frightened of being judged for decisions that I make, that I make friends with people, enjoy being approved of by them, and then only talk to them every once in a while for fear that I will say or do something that they will not like, and therefore we will not be compatible. I know in theory that you cannot please everyone, that there will always be something about me that a person will disagree with, but in practise, I find it very hard to be around people who disagree with anything I do. I feel that I have to explain my reasons for making the decisions that I make, like there has to be a 'right' way to do things, and I have to have approval to feel ok with what I'm doing.
So, I make friends, and don't really keep in touch.
Kim said something the other day about friends. She said that she doesn't think that it really works too well to have a lot of acquaintances. She thinks that a friendship requires lots of time to grow and survive, and with the time we have in this life, you either make a lot of acquaintances, or have a few friends. I guess I'm trying it both ways to see what works for me.
In high school I had just a few friends. In the early years of my marriage to recently, I had another set of a few friends. Within the past two years or so, I've been making friends by pouring my troubles out to people, but not really keeping in touch with them any more than once every 6 weeks or so. It's like I'm afraid to call my already made friends for fear that they are not going to be available (which would feel like rejection), or that we won't have anything new to discuss and our talk will turn to gossip or judging each other.... Wow, what a negative and fearful view I have of the world! :/
My confession is that I am a friend dropper. I am a user. I get sympathy, start a relationship with someone, and then we lose contact... but is this all MY fault? It's not like these people are contacting me either... I certainly don't want to continue this pattern... but on the other hand, it's not like I don't still like these people either. And who says that you can't make a new friend, and then only talk to them once every 6 months? If I stopped making new friends just because I was afraid that I "won't have the time to keep up with them", then I believe I'd be missing out on the human connection. So maybe I'm not a friend dropper, just a friend finder! I do want to work on not fearing being judged, and what better way to do that than to expose myself to lots of different viewpoints and practise tolerance?

A DOG!?

Well, we finally did it. We took the big leap and got our first real pet (beyond one try at a hampster, and some fish). Chloe is her name, and she is a golden retriever/chow mix, although it's tough for me to see the chow in her.
We made the leap after many years of refusing to consent to our kids' and our own desires for a dog because "it'd be too much money" and "too much work".
But about 2 weeks ago a new neighbor moved in behind us. We got daily lengthy visits from Chloe, and the kids loved playing with her.
One day she brought us a gift. A dead skunk. Travis (our 10 year old son all the way to the left in the above pic) was man enough to pick it up (with bags on his hands) and throw it in the woods.. but that's another story. Which I'll post next as it is really a good part of our story.
The kids ran around the neighborhood with Chloe, and her owner, Lori, saw them as she was out searching in her car for her dog. She said that Chloe kept breaking through her fence, and she was going to have to fix it. She did fix it, but Chloe got through yesterday, and someone called the warden. Lori got a call saying that they had taken her to our county's pound, and if she wanted her she'd have to come get her.
Lori came to tell us that she was going to have to make a hard choice, and wanted to know if we wanted to keep Chloe. She's really a kids' rough and tumble dog, age 6, and she misses the fun she had with Lori's son before he went off to college. She just sits in the house most days now while Lori and her husband are at work, and Lori didn't feel that it was fair to her because she is such a social dog. She'd been struggling with what to do with her for a while, and with her being at the pound, she'd nearly decided to hope that someone adopted her (or else she'd probably get put down). Then she thought of how much fun Chloe had been having with our kids. So. We have a dog. A big dog. No easing into it. Just a big in house dog now. Nothin' to it, but to do it, right? :) Wow. A dog. My husband likes the idea of her being here when he's out on trips. The kids love having a dog to take care of (which by the way, we had a family meeting, and they all agreed to pitch in for dog food from their jobs, to walk her, and to set up a sweeping schedule so that the house gets swept twice a week). So, here we go. A new chapter in our lives. Family of 8, plus one canine (and a few fish).

Some unschooling wisdom from real life RU'ers

I wanted to remind myself of the awesome advice I get from other unschoolers out there on the web. I may never be their friend in person because of distance between us, but, I hold them close to my heart because we all share a love for our kids that helps us treat them as young human beings, not little robots to mold in our image by sharing with them our fears, and shoulds, and have to's.... Thank you all, Ren, Diana, Meredith, Sandra, Alex, and everyone else...
Here's a recent thread from the Always Unschooled message board:

Admochelle (that's me!) wrote:

"I have a problem. I would love to have the patience to treat each and
every one of my kids with the patience and respect to allow us to work
together as a group, respecting everyone's needs... but how do you do
that when you have 7 people (including me), and many of them are
incapable of seeing past themselves due to their age? It really helps
me have more tolerance for seeming 'disrespect' or non-caring from my
4 year old, when I realize that she doesn't have empathy yet. But
when everyone has different needs, and all is chaos, don't you just
need someone to take the helm, and say, OK. This is what we are doing?
I have seen how crazy the house gets when everyone is tired, and no
one really cares what everyone else wants.. they just need their needs
met. Where do you start with those non-preventable situations...
Well, I guess you would start by taking a deep breath, and trying to
be the calm one. But when that doesn't work because you are so
stressed from outside family stress, where do you go?
Sometimes I feel that it would be a lot easier for the whole family if
my kids just did what they were told, instead of going on a 10 minute
discussion, or waiting for 5 minutes for the 4 year old, or tolerating
her ignoring my request for her to clean up the salt she just poured
all over the floor just because 'she doesn't want to clean it up' (her
words.)
I'm having a really hard time lately with the whole, letting
everyone's needs get met at the same time... It seems nearly
impossible right now."

Alex replied:

"Wouldn't it be less stressful and easier to just take 30 seconds and clean it
yourself?

Can you clean that spilled salt with mommy? ( hand her a little vacuum)
-No. I don't want to clean up.
OK them.
--
Take the little vac and it would take just a few seconds to get it all
cleaned.
Do it happy. Your child is 4 years old. See it as gift to her and you family.
Once your child sees the joy you have in cleaning she/he may want to join you
in it.
Make cleaning fun and joyful and not a power struggle."


Admochelle replied:


"I guess if I didn't worry that she was going to make a habit of not
cleaning up that would be ok. I fear that I am building the thought
pattern in her that mommy will clean everything up, I don't have to."
Admochelle

Alissa replied:
Maybe it would help you to know that once I completely embraced RU
with cleaning I was able to fully appreciate what they did do to help
me, and it's a wonderful feeling!

I often have those times where I feel I'm just going crazy trying to
meet the needs of two little people who ask for something new before I
can complete the first task. ;-) But like a previous poster said, I
calmly explain that I am in the middle of X and they can wait until
I'm done or they can help themselves.

Remember we're not trying to create little robots who just do, and the
point is not that we because we don't require them to clean up after
themselves this will make them all of a sudden *want* to clean up on
their own. But instead I've seen my children finding the knowledge
that if the house is going to stay organized we're the ones who do it.
And that when we're at someone else's house it's a nice gesture to put
away things we played with before we leave. They never feel that they
have to, they do it because they want to. And a lot of the time they
don't, and that's ok, too. They are a lot more likely to come in
beside me and help me with something, though, without me asking, and
certainly without me telling that they need to do it. When it's night
time and everyone's tired, heavens no! But I like to get organized in
the morning, and the kids are often happy to help me pick up messes
from the night before.

Karen wrote:

"If I am feeling stressed by competing demands of my kids, I will
often voice my stress. Not as a complaint against them, but more of
there is only one of me and I can only do one thing at a time. I ask
the kids if there is anyway they can meet their own needs and if they
don't seem able I ask if they can please wait while I do this and
this, and I will get to them as soon as possible."

The kids doing just what they were told probably would be easier if it actually worked. Remember that
it doesn't work and that there are power struggles and resentment and
punishment and rewards that go along with trying to get the kids to
do as they are told. All of which can be very exhausting.

A 10 minute discussion, which could have been a 10 minute tantrum if you had been coercive
instead.

Waiting for 5 minutes for the 4 year old could be a time to embrace the waiting as a moment to relax and breathe or talk or joke with the other kids."

Admochelle wrote:

"Yes, it is true that no parenting method is perfect. I forget that
even when I spanked, there were lots of struggles, and hurt,
non-understanding looks from my kids...
thanks for reminding me.
At least now they know that I am trying to be on their side. I really,
really want to be a partner with my kids... it gets so hard when the
people around me are constantly expecting my kids to 'listen' to me
"because I am the parent"...
I get so fed up with all the anti-partnership/pro-authoritarian comments.

Alex wrote:

"This is a great post from Ren at Ubasics that I swiped with her OK to post
here:"

~~"I think the problem here is that you also got locked in. You had an
expectation of going on that walk. You really wanted to go and it
was taken away from you.~~

I didn't have time to respond earlier, but this is exactly what I was
thinking. I remember having those feelings earlier in this parenting
journey and what I've learned is a very buddhist
concept...non- attachment. Not that I have it down pat or anything!;)

I had this vision of this peaceful unschooling family, smiling and
walking hand-in-hand, joyfully exploring the world, always doing
amazing things and getting along beautifully. Lovely vision right? And
totally unrealistic!

Life is messy. People get irritated with each other, plans change
midstream, milk gets spilled and walks don't always happen. What
matters most is how we embrace the WHOLE. How we can stand there and
hear the kids fighting and see the sink full of dishes and smile to
ourselves because THAT is a part of the beauty.

Sierra wanted to make Bleu a Father's day breakfast. We talked about
getting up before him and cooking something yummy to surprise
him....instead of going to sleep early enough she stayed up until
about 4am and couldn't get up to make breakfast. She stayed up with
her Dad watching tv though, and that time connecting together was more
important than the breakfast in the end.

I could have held onto that idyllic sounding breakfast and been really
bummed out when it didn't happen, I could have made it myself OR I can
just accept the reality that is right in front of me...a sleepy dh and
daughter that enjoy each other's company every day. So what is
Father's day in the face of that? Nothing. It's the daily connections
that matter and we can have a special breakfast anytime we choose.

Let it go...breathe deep and see that your child wanted to take a walk
at a different time than you deemed appropriate. That's ok. Go with
it. Release that "perfect unschooling vision" and BE with what is
happening. It takes some time, but the more you're aware of how you're
being attached to a certain outcome, the better you get at NOT being
attached.:)
I highly recommend "Wherever you go there you are" by Jon Kabat-Zinn."

Ren
learninginfreedom. com


Admochelle wrote:

"I could have written the paragraph about having that vision of the perfectly peaceful unschooling family myself, Ren!
I want to memorize the part about smiling at the dirty dishes and kids fighting! :)
I can do that easily when I bring to mind the
feeling of being home the day after we took one of the kids to the
emergency room for a real emergency. THAT is an easy time to look
around and appreciate the fighting and the dirty dishes, and laundry,
etc... at least the kids are there!
Thanks for reminding me."

Aidan wrote:

"I don't have as many kids as you do, but I do have four, all close in age. Once
I had more than one child that wasn't a baby, I thought my job as a parent was
to make the kids do as they were told. In my first family, well behaved is
number one- so I believed that if my kids weren't living up to those standards,
it meant I was failing.
After a few years of trying to create a situation where
the kids would just do what they were told, I could see that it was a miserable
failure. That kind of discipline takes a mom who is always 'on', who sees
everything, who can divide and conquer. If you have two kids, it can probably be
done passably. And when they do argue or throw a tantrum or disobey, you can
deal with it because there aren't several other kids, taking the
opportunity while your back's turned to wreak havoc or start a fight.
My attempting to be 'at the helm' just encouraged the kids to be more chaotic,
more resistant to my leadership (read: f-you mom, I'll wait until your back is
turned), and less self sufficient. They seemed to enjoy watching my blood boil
as they bounced around wildly in a public place and I ran around trying to catch
them. My take on the whole thing is that when you are seriously outnumbered, you
have to have a lot of self discipline and some serious corporal punishment up
your sleeve to control their behavior.

RU has slowly changed the chaos and adversarial behavior in my house. I have had
to sacrifice a lot too, as a very persistent and goal oriented person. RU does
mean a lot of discussions when you just want to get it over with. But what I've
found is, once the kids feel confident that you will listen and take their
ideas/concerns/needs/preferences seriously, the discussions look more like
talking and compromising and less like whining and screaming tantrums.

Another problem I've had a lot of is general chaos- fighting, giant destructive
mess making, running off in different directions- crazy making. One of the
cornerstones of RU is connections- real authentic I-see-you-and-love-you
connections. For me, with consistent practice, making connections with my kids
has really paid off in the chaos department. The kids listen to me, and they
don't want me to feel bad- it's reflected in their behavior. They empathize with
me simply because I do with them. It's taken time, a lot of time doing it and
still having to deal with outrageous behavior, but now we are definitely turning
a corner.

In the short term, RU seems massively inconvenient and like opening the door to
even more out of control behavior. But I want to encourage you to keep trying,
keep reading the wise words on this list. Because in the long run, you can
have six kids who you have to somehow follow around all the time making
them behave, or you can have six kids who self regulate as far as their
maturity allows."

Favorite Quotes

There have been so many quotes I have read recently, and have thought, Wow! I really want to remember that! So, I'm going to start a post and update it with all my favorite quotes!
Here's the one I found today:


Whether one believes in a religion or not, and whether one believes
in rebirth or not, there isn't anyone who doesn't appreciate kindness
and compassion.
~Dalai Lama

Like Flowers Unfolding....

It is 5:06am, and I have been lying awake in bed for the last half hour. I am seeing my mind growing in compassion through the books I have been reading. The language they use helps me to see that the black/white, my way or the highway kind of world I grew up in does not have to be, and that that isn't a bad thing.
I titled this post Like Flowers Unfolding, because that is how I have begun to see my children. I want to extend this viewpoint to myself, and to others around me, because it encourages compassion in me. Seeing my children as flowers unfolding came to my mind as I was thinking about how I want to let them have time to grow at their own rate.
I see where that is just a compassionate response that I have been somewhat lacking in because I did not use it with myself, and therefore my needs were not being met. And I am learning that instead of hating myself, I can see myself as a person who has a hard time being compassionate, because I have had no reservoir of self love to draw from. Allowing myself to meet my own needs is creating a compassionate response in me.

Watching this process this morning in my mind, I can see that it is a slow one, and a process that requires gentleness. Like a flower needs time, and gentle watering, and sunshine to unfold its petals, a person needs time, gentle communication, and love to unfold as he/she grows. Make no mistake, it will happen. People will grow as surely as the flowers.
I can do damage to my children too, by pushing them to do something against their will (when they are not ready for it) This will only damage their growth. It would be like a flowers petals being pulled apart "because it is going to have to grow someday!"
How many times I have heard people say, "Well, they are going to have to listen to people when they grow up, they need to start learning that now!" Do I really want to take that harsh viewpoint? Pulling the petals apart because the flower is going to "have to grow eventually"? No. I want my children to grow up beautifully, at their own pace, knowing deep down that they are important. That their needs matter. I want them to value themselves. This will allow them to see others as important. As people whose needs matter too. They will have the same compassion and respect for others that they have for themselves.
They will develop this in time, as they mature.
As a child, I do not expect them to have that compassion, or respect for others as an automatic response. They are still growing. This is the time when they need that gentle watering, that loving environment.
When children feel that their needs are not being met they may scream, or lash out. But this is not the time for reprimands, it is the time for understanding. I do not want to look back years later, and realize that I pulled apart the petals of my child's growth too soon. The damage done would only cause my loved one to have to begin again, trying to mature without interruption. And if I continue to rush their development, how much longer will it take?
And if I crush the flower, not allowing the petals to open, am I being protective, or am I stopping its growth?
Their is no need to decide When to Pull Petals Apart (by forcing a child to do something they are not ready to do), or When to Hold the Petals Closed (by not allowing a child to do something they are ready for). The child will grow on its own.
I want to stand back, and watch my child grow, watering when needed, being the sunshine of love, and just enjoying the beauty of each one of my wonderful children.
I am going to follow the advice I heard from a fellow unschooler:

"I encourage everyone to take whatever it is that they are struggling with the most, and just Let It Go. Release it. Stop fighting... and I think you will be so unbelievably blessed by the results. Joy follows."

My children will listen. When it is time. When they learn to. On their own. They will listen if it is right. They will not bow to unrealistic demands. They will listen compassionately to those who need when their needs have been met. When they have grown enough through people listening compassionately to them.

I was thinking about when I get stressed out, and make demands, how my husband gives of himself when I need, and how he does it without blame a lot of the time, even when I could be seen as selfish in the way I "demand" that I "need" uninterrupted time to get things done, and how I "need" help with the house and taking care of the children's needs. He sees that I have a need, not that I am being demanding. He is most able to see this when his needs have been met, i.e., he is not hungry, sleepy, or stressed out. I appreciate it when he is able to do this for me, and I want to do the same for my children. In fact, I want everyone to do the same for my children, and my children to do the same for everyone else.... But I am not the one who can choose those things. I can only choose my actions and reactions.
So, instead of beginning my day thinking of myself as a mother duck trailing her ducklings, I am going to admire the beauty of the process, of the six flowers that I had the pleasure of giving birth to, unfolding around me.

I don't want to be an insecure, people pleaser anymore

People pleasing is extremely stressful! I lived the last 12 years at least of my life people pleasing, and it made me unhappy to say the very least.
It is so nerve wracking stepping out on my own. Even people pleasing is a hard habit to break. Sometimes I fear rejection. But then I look back at how I've been unhappy for so many years, and I realize I have a choice. I can choose to please others, and suffer long term internal consequences with external periodic benefits, or I can choose what is right for me and my family, and reap internal, ongoing benefits with a few temporary external consequences.
Being me is certainly something different. I've been chasing perfection for so long, it' s wonderful to just sit back, drink some coffee, and relax in my humanity.
Oh! that reminds me of a poem I wrote the other day... I'll go get my journal and post it...

By Lake Anna on my "day off"

In this moment I am human
I am happy.

On perfection's shoulders
lies a misery
a dark cloak of anxiety

On humanity's shoulders, lightly worn
lies a mantle of happiness
flexible, reliable, warm

I am human
I am not perfect
nor will I ever be.
I am content.

What I want to believe about chidren and chores

March 2008


The other day my husband stopped one of the kids from coming into the kitchen the other day with a loud, “Stop! You’re getting mud all over the floor! I just swept it! Now you HAVE to clean that up!” I believe I have said the same thing to them just the other day after they had played outside for a while (which coincidentally is something we were VERY happy they were doing instead of playing video games, so we should have just kept our mouths shut! ☺)
I know we would never have spoken to our adult family that way. We probably would have calmly asked them to take their shoes off at the door, as they were getting mud on the floor. We may not have even mentioned the fact that we just cleaned the floor, as this would have added an extra measure of guilt to what we said, as if they were doing the dirtying OUR CLEAN floor on purpose. But for some reason, we feel the need to react more strongly to our kids, as if they DID do whatever it was on purpose!
Hearing him say that to them, and remembering how I’d just said the same thing to them in the same screeching “AHH! Look what you are doing!” manner, it made me think.
When someone cleans something willingly, they take pride in the way it looks. They want it to stay the way that they put it. I believe I have seen my children have that same reaction before, and I want to see that in them tomorrow, next week, next year, etc…
But how do I accomplish that in the short term? What does it look like? I do not believe that it looks like a list of chores that they MUST do. I do not believe that it looks like constantly telling them that they SHOULD feel responsible. I do not even believe that it looks like me telling them that I feel disrespected when they choose not to clean (something I did yesterday), because that could have come off like a guilt trip when I was only trying to be honest.
I am formulating what I think it should look like. Here’s the start:


Kid’s POV: Cleaning isn’t fun. Mom and Dad always want to FORCE us to help do it, and they always complain if we don’t. It must be either really hard, or just no fun at all. Why else would they ask us to help all the time? They don’t ask us to help do their computer or business work. THAT must be fun, because they like to do it all on their own.

Me: Hey! (Light bulb moment!) Maybe that’s why they always want to get jobs outside the house! That’s what they see us ‘having fun’ doing!


My problem is, that I’ve been looking at the issue of cleaning house from my current point of view as a parent. I need to remember what it was like as a kid.

Kid’s POV: My room is mine. The rest of the house is my mom and dad’s.

Kids don’t think this because they are selfish! They think it because that is the way it seems to them. Quite possibly because this is what we convey to them…
Possibly our constant warning them off of destroying everything in the house causes them to think that those things are OUR concern, not theirs, leading them to believe that it is OUR responsibility to fix them. i.e. the couch (don’t jump on that couch, it’s gonna break, and then we’ll have to buy another one!) the carpet, (don’t eat that THERE! You’re going to stain the carpet, and we don’t have the money to replace it!), the walls (write on paper, not on the walls! Then I HAVE to clean it all up!), the dishes (put those dishes in the sink so I don’t have to!), the electricity (turn off those lights, you’re wasting electricity!), the table (don’t bang that on the table, you’re going to mark it up!), the heat (shut that door, you’re letting all the heat out!) Money again.
Maybe if we acted like THEY actually cared about these things themselves, and just casually mentioned what the consequences of their actions do, they may begin to feel responsibility for those material items (as they mature). Like say, “When you eat in hear it really increases the chances of the carpet getting dirty.” Or, “when you leave that door open, the heating bills go up.”
Or, “when you jump on the couch it breaks it down little by little.” Casually mentioning these things every once in a while, lets them learn by osmosis, without ruining your relationship with them.
I know, I know… but what about in the mean time? What about ages 1 to 4, 5, or even 6 or 7 in some kids who don’t mature as fast? Are you supposed to just LIVE with all that mess, or broken couches for 7 whole years???
Well, that’s the tricky part.
When you had kids, did you think that they were going to act like little adults? Did you expect them to walk and talk as soon as they were born? Did you expect them to write thank you letters for their birthday gifts when they were 2? Those things seem absurd, right? Well, I think that it is just as absurd to expect to have a clean house when your kids are little.
And I don’t know about you, but my ultimate goal is not to keep a clean, unbroken house.
My goal is to build a loving relationship with my kids. I want to say and do things in the short term that build our relationship, not tear it down. I am not in the business of “preparing my kids for life”. I am in the business of living life with my kids!!
So, that said, how do you “get" your kids to mature and feel responsible to keep the house clean?
You don’t.
Now don’t let that throw you. Go back to the paragraph above about newborns walking and talking and such. You just sat back and watched in amazement at how your baby began doing those things at whatever age they did, right? You didn’t hound them at 3 months, or 5 months, or even a year of age if they weren’t walking… You let them get it at their own pace. You KNEW that they would! You trusted that people naturally learn to walk on their own timetable, right? Well. It’s the same with every other area of life. Including feeling responsibility. They WILL get it. They WILL begin to feel responsible. Regardless of (or in most cases) in spite of the fact that they are constantly hounded to get it earlier than they are ready.
If we have patience knowing that they WILL become responsible, and act like the house IS theirs, instead of acting like they are getting OUR things dirty, or ruining OUR clean floor, or breaking OUR couch down, we will be ALLOWING them to develop responsibility like we allowed them to learn to walk... On their timetable, without interference.

They are kids - they don’t feel responsible yet because they haven't grown into that yet... because making money isn’t their job YET, they haven’t experienced the fear of needing to make more because they failed to take care of something YET. Their current stage of maturity means that they will forget a little easier to care about the carpet, and the couch, and the heat, and the electricity..etc.
So what DO you do then? Let's imagine you had a friend over to the house.
How would you talk to them about your just mopped floor?
You know that they care about your feelings. You would probably not feel the need to screech at them. You would probably feel that you only need to calmly mention what happens when they do that. Maybe if they kept forgetting over and over, and you didn’t understand how a person could do that (like how some adults who borrow things, and never seem to take care of them), you would feel somewhat irritated, and maybe not WANT to let them borrow again…. But would you actually carry that out? And if you did tell them they couldn't use your stuff anymore, would you tell them how much it means to you, or how much you’d have to pay for it if it were broken? Or would that just be like a guilt trip and an assumption that they could really care less about your feelings, and your possessions.
You probably wouldn’t screech, “Hey! Don’t get mud on my clean floor!” That might imply to them that you think, “I know you don’t care about that, but I DO!!”
Kids DO care. But they can about you....NOT the floor. So, rather than focusing on the floor, focus on their caring for you and your feelings.

Scenario: Kid walks onto clean floor with muddy shoes.

Adult: Could you please take your shoes off? I just mopped the floor, and I don't like seeing it get dirty. Thank you.
Or maybe just.. Could you please take your shoes off? If the kid is over age 8 or so...because by then, they probably already know why you want them to take them off, and they would have if they would have thought of it themselves, but they were probably thinking about something else at the minute.

My whole point about kids and chores, is that we don't need to force or coerce them into doing them. Being people, they will naturally come along, and mature into helping around the house when asked, and later on, before being asked, if we just let them grow at their own pace. Just like walking and talking... they walk with help from our hands, then they walk on their own. They copy our words haltingly at first, then better and better until they talk well. They do not suddenly walk or talk because "they are old enough, and we think they ought to start doing it!" There is nothing necessary to be done, except living alongside them as an example. They will watch and copy.. Monkey see, Monkey do. Birds Fly, Fish Swim, Humans Learn.
And for the school of thought that says, "But they have to learn NOW, or they won't do it when they get into the "real" world!".. Albert Einstein said, "Childhood is NOT a dress rehearsal." Amen, Albert. Childhood is real life too. Wasn't your childhood an attached part of your life?

Desiderata

Desiderata Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence. As far as possible without surrender be on good terms with all persons. Speak your truth quietly and clearly and listen to others, even the dull and ignorant; they too have their story. Avoid loud and aggressive persons; they are vexations to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain and bitter, for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself. Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time. Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism. Be yourself. Especially, do not feign affection. Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is perennial as the grass. Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth. Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness. Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe, no less than the trees and the stars. You have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should. Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive God to be; and whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul. With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world. Be cheerful. Strive to be happy. by Max Erhmann, 1927

Out of the Jungle of Old Habits of thought

It used to seem that my husband and I *could not be compatible* when we each had such different ways of thinking about parenting. But then we decided that our relationship was more important than our current difference of opinion, and chose to just keep loving each other, and in the meantime, talk through each disagreement that came up.
I have been struggling with something that I found hard to put into words, but I am going to give it a go because I am hoping to help myself process it faster for my kids' sake.
I am doing my best to stay in a *person to person* mindset with my kids, instead of that *parent to child* relationship. My husband is really throwing me off though, when he asks questions about why I make certain decisions, "where do I think the kids will end up after that particular decision I made,etc.." and he leads me off into the jungle of old habits of thinking, and I find it really hard to find my way back to the open field of freedom.
I think that maybe this morning, I've started to find my way there, and maybe I can mark the trail enough for him to at least *see* which way I went, even if he doesn't want to *go there* with me. It is, of course, his choice, because it IS his life. :)
Oftentimes, when I want to "give" the kids their freedom, he has a scenario in which this wouldn't be a good idea, and he thinks that this should *prove* to me that "giving" them THEIR freedom is not a good idea *all* the time. He thinks he is compromising with me, by "giving" them their freedom a LOT of the time.
A good comparison for me of "giving" freedom, would be one of prisoners in a halfway house situation. (and I don't know all the ins and outs of one of these places, I'm just guessing). They get to "have" their freedom for *most* of the day. They choose where to get a job, what time to get up, what color socks to wear, how many layers of clothing to wear (they decide based on their own comfort level), what they want to eat for breakfast, the mode of transportation they use to get to work, what they eat for lunch, what route they choose to drive to and from, they go to the bathroom when they have to, etc, etc...
My point is, they have *a lot* of freedom in comparison to people in a locked down prison situation. (My husband likes to compare how he gives such freedoms to our kids, like so many other parents don't.)
He said to me the other day, "Michelle, you HAVE the authority. You just CHOOSE to give it to the kids." I struggled with how to answer that. My gut feeling (YAY! I actually listen to those now!) was NO, they naturally HAVE autonomy, but lots of people believe that parents SHOULD have authority over them. But I wasn't as articulate as I feel I am about it now.

A lot of times, I have unarticulated thoughts in my head, and I find them articulated in verbal conversations with other people, in books, online, or, they just come out articulated in their own time from my own subconscious mind. This time it was in a post on a message board.
Someone made the point that we aren't "giving" our kids their freedom. It IS their inalienable human right. That resonated with my heart. Something inside me said, "Yes! That's what I think too! How can we be "giving" them something that is a human right they were born with?!" It felt, and feels, so wrong to me.
Which leads me back to the halfway house/locked down prison scenario. Either way, the prisoners are being GIVEN the right to make choices. In the locked down (very authoritative parent) scenario, the choices aren't many. In the halfway house scenario, the choices are SO much more. But they are both under a certain final authority... you can see where I am going with this.
And following my husbands' train of thought, he would be thinking, "Yes, I am under authority, too. I am under the 'have to provide for my family' authority, and the 'authority of God' "... I'm sure there are many other 'authorities' he puts himself under, giving him reason to want to put the kids under his authority, so that they aren't so shocked "when they grow up" at the levels of restraint put on them.... I think I'm getting into his head just the littlest bit now... He's a hard nut to crack sometimes. He certainly views the children's lives now as a preparation for the "real" world. I don't agree. I think they ARE in the REAL world NOW! They are learning what they need to learn for the place that they are in now.
We may find a lot of people who agree with us when we say that we think it'd be a "good experience" for them to go to school for a year. But what if the child does not think it's a good idea? How is it good for them then? Will they be ready, receptive, and open to the experience? I think not. I think they will be filtering the experience through their feeling of being "forced" to go for a year.
When they are ready, receptive, and open, they will learn. THAT'S when the experience is fully taken in. Not until then. When they are closed to an experience by feelings of sadness, fear, or anger, not much else gets in. Their heads are full of their own thoughts and emotions. Better to wait until they are open to a new experience. Then they will excitedly open themselves to new and positive things.
My way out of the jungle is beginning to come clear to me. Dare I follow my own path?!


"They learn cause and effect by making choices. It is
unavoidable. If they cut their hair short and they aren't happy with
the results, then they can file that away for the future. It doesn't
have to be labeled "good" or "bad" but just, "Hmm, maybe not so short
next time."

To themselves.

If they have someone telling them that they
made a mistake, then that can be damaging, IMO. They start to (maybe
only the sensitive ones, maybe only with repeated instances) feel like
they can't do anything right.

But if the parent gives them "freedom for
freedom's sake", then they are free to
experiment until they find something that makes them happy.

Freedom is connected to
happiness *and* learning, IMO. If it makes me tense and frustrated to
give them freedom with the goal of allowing them to learn, then maybe I can be more
relaxed and happy by giving them freedom just because that *should* be their inalienable human right.

Is it really molding? Or is it warping?

The way Savannah’s voice changed the other night, when speaking to me, caught me off gaurd. It changed as soon as she was “free” of my and g-ma’s expectations; because she was going to grandma’s house by herself for the night. She felt individual, not like “one of the kids”, and this changed her attitude. She sounded so much older and confident. Kind of like I heard her sound in the car when singing to High School Musical.
I want her to be able to feel that confident around me all the time. Or at least as much as she can. Sure, there may be times when she'll need babied. There are times when I need to be babied too...BUT, I don't want to feel evaluated, or babied all the time.
Wouldn’t I feel kind of held back or held down if someone I loved were always evaluating my mental growth, and trying to “help me grow” by constantly advising and admonishing me, or worse yet punishing me either with disapproval/disdain, or actual physical punishment when I made a mistake, calling it “doing wrong” even though I already knew what I did was wrong? I’d feel bad for the wrong but that would be quickly overlaid with the emotion of feeling ‘put down’ by the person ‘evaluating’ me…
I see that all the time in my relationship with my kids, but didn’t know how to fix it before, and still find it difficult to break those controlling, mistrusting habits.
I think that what I need to do is:

1. Stop evaluating them.

2. Let them grow at their own pace.

3. Trust that they have the inborn ability to grow and learn by watching.

I didn’t have to interfere AT ALL with their learning to walk and talk, and so many other things. I just stood by, watched it happen, and pick them up when they fell down and hurt themselves…. Hmmmm… sounds awfully familiar. I think that the universe is all spinning together in my life on this one. It sounds just like how I need to be allowed to be my own person without my surrogate parents constantly evaluating me, and letting me know where they think I stand in life, and with God.
I am actually really glad that I am going through all this other stuff because it is really timely to me understanding how to parent my kids by seeing that I am a person who needs my autonomy just like they do!
Giving someone their freedom is scarier and harder than trying to control them.

(which isn't REALLY sharing anyway)

I hope Scott doesn't mind my adding my own experience to his thoughts (they are below, please read after you read my thoughts)... This particular daily groove reminded me of the other night with my 3 year old (whom we have rarely told NO when it comes to what food she eats - she pretty much sets her own diet with a few suggestions -not commands- from my husband and I).
She had used some of her birthday money to purchase a Hershey bar. Just your run of the mill, plain chocolate Hershey bar. But I doubt she'd ever eaten one before, judging on her reaction. She took one bite, and enthusiasticaly said, "WOW! Mom, Dad, you HAVE to try this!!" It was so cute!
I know some other kids (probably because their diets have been hardset by their parents who were unaware of the selfishness that is promoted by such scarcity theory), who would not have been happy about sharing had they been asked... let alone be delighted for someone else to eat it. And no, it wasn't just the first bite she was excited about, and No, she did not hoard the rest. She continued to give some to her baby brother without a word from us, and shared it down to the last bite.
This to me, proves that children are naturally not selfish all of the time. It is a conditioning that we enforce to become more often in them through the selfishness we model. And we have inherited this from the modeling of our parents' and other people in society's selfishness. This may seem radical to some people. But observe your habits with your children. Do you hide "your" snacks, so that your kids cannot find them? Even if they never find out about that, how could your attitude possibly come off as a sharing one if your attitude is to hide food and not share it with them? How is it that we parents have a tendency to show this "do as I say, not as I do" attitude at times? Do we appreciate people with more experience or authority lording it over us like that??
Back to the subject of sharing which isn't really sharing anyway. In the above example my daughter was truly sharing. It came from her heart. There have been times when she has *not* wanted to share. If I force her to share, then she is only complying to my demands. She is NOT sharing. Which kind of *sharing* do I want to encourage?

THE DAILY GROOVE ~ by Scott Noelle
www.enjoyparenting.com/dailygroove

:: The Joy of Sharing ::

Imagine yourself back in the throes of puberty, and
you're madly in love with someone who doesn't yet
know how you feel...

You're at a park, enjoying an ice cream cone, when
your would-be lover walks by, sees you, and smiles!
You offer your beloved a bite of your ice cream, and
you're OVERJOYED when the offer is accepted!

Back to the present... Now imagine you're eating some
delicious strawberries. You only have two left, and
you intend to savor *both* of them. Then your child
sees the strawberries and says, "I want one!"

Are you as thrilled to share with your child as you
would be in the first scenario? If not, why the
difference? (Hint: love trumps scarcity.)

The way to raise kids who *enjoy* sharing is for you
to enjoy sharing with *them*. Frequently offer them
bites of your food, for example, and let them know
how good you feel when you're sharing.

When your child doesn't feel like sharing something
with a sibling or playmate, rather than forcing them
to share (which isn't REALLY sharing anyway), find something
that *you* can share joyfully.

As you consistently demonstrate *your* sharing ethic,
they will eventually discover the joy of sharing for
themselves.

New Revelation (mine, not the Bible's :)

I tried to copy and paste from an email I wrote about this... it would've been a whole lot easier!!! :) But for some reason (maybe because I don't know the ins and outs of the Linux OS yet) I couldn't get it to paste here....

I'll try to remember how I worded my new realization, or maybe I'll just have to go back and forth between tabs to re-write it... anyway, on with the show.

I was thinking again this morning (Man, do I do that a lot! :)... and I realized that I do something that I need to change. There was this certain idea that I came up with that I ran by a certain person whom I respect very much, and he liked it! That was a big deal to me. It's a project I'm looking at undertaking, and when I realized how big a deal it was to me whether or not he liked it, I started feeling a little resentful.
Then I started digging deeper into that feeling, wondering why I would feel resentful of that. And I saw that I still put this person's opinion up on an unrealistic pedestal. Whatever he thinks is golden, and whatever I think is only right if it lines up with what he thinks. Wow. What a way to live. To not allow myself to think. Unless he thought the same thing. Kind of puts the whole "being one person" thing into a whole new light.
I'm still dealing with issues like shoring up my trust in my own ideas, so somehow I thought that if this person didn't like the idea, that made it NOT RIGHT. I saw that this morning, and told myself that everyone has different opinions, and just because someone else doesn't like an idea DOES NOT mean that I have to put it in my "throw this one in the trash heap" list. I may LIKE the idea a WHOLE lot, and if I throw it away completely, I'll be unwisely setting myself up for discontent. Which isn't good for any relationship, let alone a marriage.
Oops, did I give another clue as to whom I respect so very much? :) I don't care... I'll shout it from the rooftops, "My Man Is Awesome! He is Soooo Smart, and Loving, and Wonderful!" sometimes it's hard NOT to put him on a pedestal...
So, in conclusion, I am going to allow myself to KEEP my individuality, still loving others, AND MYSELF (a somewhat new thing for me), mulling my favorite ideas and opinions over in my brain, instead of having this resentful, "You win, so I lose" attitude. That's not healthy, and it's not very RU either! ;)
The new me is all about compromising, not competition, right? Well, that doesn't mean applying it with the kids, but not my husband... So, here I go with a fresh revelation. And my spirit is fulfilled.
Live in Peace,
Michelle

WOW, THAT WAS FAST!

Hmmm... how long has it been since I posted about telling my son that I'd love him if he never did any housework? (and it wasn't a guilt trip, and I could tell that he knew that by the look on his face) I had made peace with the fact that my house may just be messier than I would ideally like for a while, maybe a long while, until I got the time to clean it. But it turns out that once the pressure of control was off, I didn't have to wait for a clean house. It came to me from my loving son.
This morning he got up before me, and cleaned the living room and the kitchen. Yes, I am smug. A happy smug. Not because I "got him to do what I wanted to"... but because I have seen evidence of the fact that parents and children do not have to be in opposing places. We do not have to be controlling each other. We can work together.
I used to think that there were only two options... I told them what to do and when to do it, or they ran over me.... Now I know that my children are whole caring individuals. They are not split into two parts, good and evil that constantly battle each other, and the evil will win if I do not intervene.
They are people just like me. They are naturally social and self preserving at the same time. They naturally want to please themselves AND others.
What a relief to not have to fight for control, and be unhappy when they make decisions that I am not happy with. I can just live my life in direct connection with theirs, peacefully, being thankful for what I have, and not feeling bad about what isn't going my way. Life is good.

Addendum to "Another Key?"

Last night I had a conversation with one of my DS's (online lingo for Dear Son, if you are not familiar with that particular abbreviation). I was trying to figure out why it is that he does not want to do housework. I was not trying to guilt trip him (although I've had a history of that, so had to apologize for it coming across as such), but I wanted an answer as to why although work does not sound appealing to him (I supposed it was because he is a "kid", and as such is diabolically opposed to working), why can he not look at it as something that he does for his family and allow that to override his desire to not do something he considers boring.
He could not understand how I can not understand why he doesn't want to do housework. Then when I kept pushing the point of doing it anyway for someone else rather than yourself, he brought up that work done with motivation is done willingly, and considered fun. I asked him what would motivate him to do housework, because having a clean house is something that is very important to me. I compared it to how he used to fret over having to wait until Friday to play video games (they play whenever the mood strikes them now). He would pine away to play it, but it didn't happen until Friday. I told him that I pine away after a clean house (not in so many words, but I am paraphrasing here), but it seems like no one really cares if the house is clean or not except me, because given the choice, he and his siblings prefer to play all day.
(Now, I know that modern society would say, well of course! that's what kids do! they hate work! BUT I no longer believe that this is an unchangeable attribute of kids. I believe now that kids will work willingly beside their parents, and sometimes (or maybe a lot of the time) without EVEN being asked. Sound impossible? Read on.)
OK, again.... I asked him what would motivate him to do more housework (just as a question, not a whiny complaint :)
He replied that usually he doesn't have motivation. What has motivated him multiple times in the past to spend a half hour cleaning the house without even being asked
is the fact that he was anticipating surprising me, and loving that I would love seeing it done.
I assured him that regardless of the fact that it is not a surprise, any housework that he does is VERY MUCH APPRECIATED.
He then went on to say (and I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE the fact that he is so very honest with me!) that yes, he knows that, but the motivation for him is that the work is more fun FOR HIM when it is done as a surprise for me. I love it that he is reminding me that his motivation needs to come from INSIDE him, not from the outside!
I felt such a love for him right then that I was able to honestly say that I love him whether he does any housework or not. And in reality that has been and always will be the truth. But my overwhelming desire to have a clean house has stopped my flow of love so much so that I would not have been able to verbally affirm that to him before. I told him that I want him to do housework whenever he is motivated internally to, and I am willing to wait for that. And I meant it.
I am willing to wait for months or years or longer if it takes it, but I doubt that it will. I have since realized a big key for as to why kids hate work! Here it is : (drumroll)........ ADULTS HATE WORK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
How many times have we acknowledged that children copy people older than themselves? Isn't it natures way of teaching them? Even if you never say a word to them about how to do anything... if you do it, they will learn by observation!!!! This is KEY! We adults push kids to do work... do your homework! Wash the dishes! Clean your room! Make your bed! Pick that stuff up! And all the while, we are COMPLAINING to them telling them how we work even though we don't really want to get up early in the morning and work all day... we would rather be home playing with them too, but that's just not how life works! We would rather not have to clean the house, or do bills, but life requires money, and we have to make it!!! Just think about this for a minute. I bet you could make a list a mile long of how many times you have said in a thousand different ways to your kids that life is work. And work is not fun. But sometimes we do things because they need done, not to enjoy them....
Kids have a natural reaction... YUCK! WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO LIVE LIKE THAT? HOW HORRIBLE! My kids have asked me multiple times, "Why do you work then? Why don't you just not do it???"
My conditioned mental response was always... "they just don't understand life yet. Kids just have it too easy. They don't understand making yourself do something just because it needs done. They haven't matured yet...."
You know what I say? @#$%%^$# (I mean, hogwash!! :) Yes, kids have not been conditioned YET to do things that they don't want to do.... GOOD FOR THEM!!!! We should all be so lucky! And as conditioned adults, we have the option to change our conditioning. And I am so glad that I am realizing that my kids' point of view on this particular thing is wiser than mine. (Did I just say that?) Yes. I did. Not that I think that in general "kids are smarter than adults". but it is a fact that SOMEtimes, regardless of experience, someone with less experience than you has a different point of view, and it just clicks, and you say, "HUH. They are actually right!" And you put away your pride at being the 'one with more experience' (and you know that inside you secretly think that this makes you just a little bit smarter than someone less experienced)... and you just go with what makes more sense. No matter who it was that thought of it.
And in this case, I am thinking about the wisdom of all those "make yourself more happy" books that tell you that you need to ENJOY your life EVERY MINUTE to be happy. EVEN WHILE YOU ARE WORKING!!! And I think I do that to some degree.
BUT OBVIOUSLY NOT TO THE DEGREE THAT MY KIDS SEE IT! Like I said in a previous post. I have asked them straight out... "Do you think that mom likes to work?" Their honest answer was "NO. You don't act like it." And they are right! When they ask me to play, I reply, "No, I can't right now, I HAVE to work." I don't say, well, mom is doing this right now. I want to have clean dishes, so I'm washing them. (said with a nonchalant, if not "I'm enjoying this" attitude). I come across to them as frustrated that I HAVE to do this work, and it's not fair that they get to sit around and play all day while I have to work all day!
And my husband gives them a similar outlook, although he probably does not come across as so bitter about it on a daily basis. (This is because I resent the kids for choosing not to help me, taking their lack of desire to do things not appealing, as a lack of respect for me, when that is CERTAINLY not their intention. They tell me all the time what a great mom I am! :)
Anyway, my husband comes across to them (at least from my point of view, I haven't actually asked them if THEY think that he enjoys working), as if work is not really enjoyable, he'd rather be home with them... but he does it because we need the money. So, from the kids POV, he lives a pretty miserable life in order to sustain us all, and when he tells them loudly that this is so, when they tell him that they don't want to help with the signs on the truck, he is only reinforcing that view. Same as I reinforce it EVERY SINGLE DAY when I ask them to help with the housework. And then I doubly reinforce it when I get upset with them for not wanting to help and complain that I am the only one doing "ALL the work" around the house....
What a predicament we've gotten ourselves into. :) But happily, there is a way out. And as with all natural remedies that work from the inside out, instead of from the outside in (think medicinal remedies) it will take a little longer than the usual remedy of "You need to help us do this work because you are part of the family, and you SHOULD feel responsible as such... don't you partake in the goodness of being part of the family??? don't you think you should help us??? why don't you want to help us???? Guilt trip, guilt trip, guilt trip!!! But we don't realize this is what we are doing! We are just saying what we feel.
Then the kid says what they feel. "I want to help you mom, but it's boring!" In other words (that they lack the maturity/experience to verbalize more clearly), "I naturally want to help you, but I also naturally want to do what is enjoyable in my life, and these two things are clearly opposing based on how you show me what work is like, and therefore, I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place!"
What can we do in this situation? I believe that the answer is surefire. It just takes time. First of all, You as the parent need to ENJOY YOUR LIFE! (i.e. see all those self help books for ways to do that, I don't have the time here). As you begin enjoying your life, you will naturally put off the vibe that you ARE ACTUALLY enjoying your life. And because kids naturally copy (and especially quickly they copy what looks like fun), you will soon have a hive of worker bees who love working.
Sound unrealistic? Well, that's because you make it look like shovelling so much #%$# to live everyday life. Be happy, darn it! And your kids will naturally follow.
Maybe I can clarify this more later on, but my little girl just woke up, and I don't want to sit here typing forever, ignoring her.
Live in peace,
Michelle

Another Key?

I think my husband may have given me a very important key tonight. Not a physical key, a mental key. I came home from a visit with some people whom I dearly love and hold in high respect, yet I called him immediately to complain to him so I could rid myself of the angst I was feeling from being around them... How does this make sense? He explained it to me.
He said that all I have been doing lately is complaining about this one aspect of their personalities that I do not like. I never come home and call him to tell him what a good time we had together... it's always about how they made this or that comment that I didn't care for because it opposed my views, and I felt like they were attacking me by disagreeing with me, or at least trying to convince me that they were right and that my point of view is wrong. Not different, but wrong.
He made me realize that what I have been expecting is for them to change their views, (at least the view that their way is the only right way in discipline and human nature) and that just 12 months ago, I was in full support of their views.
I have made a radical change in that short time. Probably a 180. I am the one who has made the change, not them. Therefore, I need to back off off the preachiness. I don't want to come off as a total bitch who wants to do nothing but argue. How am I supposed to convey my love for them if I'm so busy trying to combat their points of view?
I have been trying to fight fire with fire, and all that's been happening is that our relationship burns up. As hard as it is for my personality (also one that tends to see only one right way to do anything), I need to throw some water on their fire for the sake of our relationship. And I can do that practically by just nodding my head when they make comments I don't agree on, and/or letting it roll off of me when they show their 'authority' over my kids.... I need to develop a thicker skin. Not get so frustrated so easily, or so mad so easily...
All this time I was thinking that it wasn't going to get better unless they just accepted that I am going to be different from them... I was blind to the fact that things CAN get better, if I just accept that they are different from me! :) Don't think of them as WRONG... just DIFFERENT.
That's the whole concept I've been trying to preach at everyone for the whole 12 months (give or take a few months) that I've believed it, and here, right in the homefront, I've been ignoring it. Kind of like screaming at the guy to get the mote out of his eye when I've got a beam in mine.. :) There you go, James, I just found a Biblical scripture that applies to me, and I don't even hate it! :) Thought you'd like to see that one. :)
I wanted to write this all down so I don't forget this lesson that my husband brought to mind this evening, and also because it applies in another situation.
Let's see if I can remember the exact words he used.... "How are you supposed to win them over to your side if you are just fighting them continually? If you want to convince them of your viewpoint (that all viewpoints are equally valid), then you need to show them love and give them time, not keep preaching at them. Be the bigger person, and show some softness. Wouldn't you like it if they did that?"
He's so totally right!
And he helped me deal with the situation I've been having about my messy house angst! And the kids helping bring in the groceries angst, etc... the things that I would like to see done, but they just aren't high priorities on my kids' lists of things to see done. :)
I was sitting there watching them play in the living room today, and I thought to myself, what if I looked at what they are doing as just as important as the things that grown ups do? Would I call up my sister or mother in law, and ask them to stop what they are doing and come help me clean my house whenever I want it clean? 3 times a day? Just because they are in the near vicinity?
Would I call them up and guilt them by saying how I just HATE HATE HATE a messy house, and I've been SOOOOO busy with my cookie business (which I choose to do), and my Ebay sales (which I choose to do), could they please show me how they love me by coming over to help me clean?
No. I wouldn't. that would be imposing on them. That would be interupting their agendas to get mine accomplished.
Also, when my mother in law saw selfish ways in me as a teen, did she constantly bring it up? Did she point out almost every little time that my voice had a mean tone, or that I didn't offer anyone some of the dessert I was eating, and tell me how that was selfish? NO!
What have I been thinking? I have been creating a lot of the tension that is in my house by trying to enforce my DESIRES onto the children. I WANT to have a cookie business. I WANT to have a clean house. I do NOT agree with the principle that you should control your children. I do NOT want to MAKE them do what I want them to do.
I want to TRUST that they will learn through seeing me model the "right" actions how to treat people. And how can I EVER expect them to enjoy work, and do it cheerfully, when all they ever hear me say about it is how it's not fair that they just get to sit around and watch videos and play video games all day, and I HAVE to do all the WORK! I've even asked them if they think that I enjoy work, and they said no. Of course not! I don't act like it's fun... how are they supposed to WANT to do it if I make it out to be such drudgery? I've taken the first step towards them learning to do it on their own accord (I've given them the choice). Now I just need to give them the time they inividually need to observe my attitude about work, and be naturally attracted to it, instead of repelled by my current attitude of it. I saw principle at work the other night when we all had the greatest fun doing the hard physical labor of taking off and putting on signs for 4 and a half hours....
These things all go hand in hand. It's a matter of attracting the situation you want by putting out the vibe that you want to have come to you.... I suppose you could say it's another version of the old Biblical adage "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." :)
Boy, I feel like I'm hitting a growth spurt! :) Thanks, James, for the key to that particular lock!

An Unschooling Day in the January Spring

It's almost 11pm. My children are all asleep except for the older two. Jesse is waiting for me to finish my blogging and internet reading, and Travis is falling asleep. Jesse will be sleeping in my bed tonight (along with Nathan, who is still breastfeeding). My wonderful husband, who normally shares my bed, is in Chicago again - working hard for his family. Actually, at this moment, he's enjoying the Ohio Buccs football game. (Of course he'd be enjoying it more if they were winning :)...
My whole house smells WONDERFUL! We had a REALLY nice day for an Ohio winter today. 63 degrees and some sunshine!! What a rare treat!
Savannah, Jesse, Jaidyn, Nathan, and I went for a walk to visit Jaidyn's BEST, Markieloaf. Translated from 3 year old speak, it's her cousin... her best friend, whose name is Mark, but whom she has dubbed Markieloaf.... :)
He recently broke his elbow in a freak horseback riding accident at the ripe old age of 2 and a half. It occured in his living room, on the back of his loving, used to be overprotective, mother! What a thing. Poor kid had to have surgery to pin his elbow back together. But I heard from a close source that both he and Mom (his mom) took it wonderfully, with only a minimal amount of crying on both of their parts. :) If you are reading this Laura, I commend you. You are a wonderful mom.
ANYWAY... back to our wonderful rare spring day in the beginning of January in this temperate climate.... We walked to Markieloaf's house, only to find the he wasn't home. Pinned little arm, and all, he must have been out shopping. Maybe he got stir crazy! :) So, we decided that a little excercise in the fresh air would do us good, and we snuck inside their house to find some gardening tools. (thier front door is usually open). All I could find was a hammer, and a rubber glove, but these served well enough for us to help them pull the little pricker weeds out of their front landscaping. At least the obvious stuff as you are going up the front walk. Savannah, Jaidyn, and I had fun pulling them out, dumping them in their trash can, and then sweeping their walk for them with a broom that I found in their laundry room. I hope they don't mind the dirt we left on their broom, and in the claw of their hammer! We left as much dirt as we could in their landscaping. :)
While digging out the weeds, I found a SAM! This is Jaidyn speak for a WORM. She and Savannah transported it to our house in the stroller's cupholder, with enough wet dirt for it to enjoy on the way. They then stayed outside digging in the dirt for more sams for quite a while. The warm weather attracted all the kids outside eventually to lay on the deck in a pile of blankets and pillows. They took turns serving each other the cut up apples and peanut butter sandwiches I made for them (well, to give credit where credit is due, Travis actually finished making the sanwiches by putting on the jelly). They were each the servant or the royalty getting served at one time or another. What a beautiful thing to watch my children play together.
Well, I am getting tired now, and I want to reserve my energy for the week. I'll have to blog later. But quickly before I go... for recording purposes, I'd like to mention that we worked on geometry this week. Jesse, Travis, Savannah, and I sat around the kitchen table with Jesse's 6th grade textbook, playing with angles and 3D shapes, measuring, drawing, and discussing the angles of rollercoasters and rooflines, and how many faces an object had. Travis drew a triangle, and Jesse a cylinder. They needed no help, they drew them quite naturally. Drawing 3D has always been difficult for me... maybe I'll learn now! :)
Oh yes! Jaidyn is learning her numbers! She loves to call Markiloaf all the time, at least once a day, and she has his phone number partially memorized, and can pick out some of the numbers. She asked me to write down some phone numbers the other day so that she could see what they looked like. She wanted Markie's, Bella Roses', Grandpa and Grandma Schooling's, Aunt Nonan's, Grandma Frase's, and Grandpa Hach's.... What a thrill to see your child seeking an education from you! She's been able to count to 10 and higher for quite some time now, and she can sing her ABC's. I am looking forward to when she starts pointing out letters and naming them.
Maybe I'll get out the spell and say that Aaron learned his letters on at 4 years old. :) He is reading short phrases now.
Ok, bed time. Good night.