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Experts warn that allowing a baby to "cry it out" causes extreme distress to the baby. And such extreme distress in a newborn has been found to block the full development of certain areas of the brain ...
Laura Luster
Thanks, Amanda, for the link.
Yesterday at 7:21pm
Michelle Schooling
OMG, I don't even need/want to read the article. The title says it all.
Yesterday at 7:43pm ·
Michelle Schooling
I think this should apply to all people, especially the overlooked group from ages 2 through 14 or whenever it is that people stop accusing the person of "being manipulative/faking their tears."...
Yesterday at 7:52pm · Delete
You know what...there is a difference between outright blasting the decibel chart crying and fussing...sometimes babies just fuss...but if my five year old is crying and he doesn't have something wrong (either illness or injury) guess who is getting a reason to cry...babies cry because they are unable to speak...not because they want everything...... See Morethey cry because they need something and we have yet to provide that need...Older kids are commonly spoiled...let a 14 year old cry like that??? no way.
Yesterday at 11:10pm
Laura Luster
I remember a long time ago back when I was 'into' the attachment parenting thing (all my infants were pretty much AP'ed - but I struggled with Positive Parenting) that kids who whined when they were older had been taught this as a coping technique. Negative attention is still attention. I was convinced I would raise my kids in such a way that ... See Morethey would not need to use this technique. I failed. I give tons of attention via negative feedback that whining drives me nuts. Whining does not get the kids anything other than my disapproval so it's not like they are using it to get what they want. I believe this is because they have no other mechanism to use. As an adult, if I am upset, I am "allowed" to use an angry pissed off tone with people. Kids hear that adults use a rotten tone of voice when we are mad, but we tell them not to. Yet, we don't show them through our actions what is appropriate - we only yell at them that they are not allowed to have a bad tone of voice with us. It's kind of interesting to think about. In psychology they give you two methods to remove behaviors - ignore the negative and reward the positive or punish the behavior (which in animal experiments meant shocking them with electricity - true physical abuse). If you pay even negative attention to the negative, then you are rewarding it in some way - which then keeps the behavior in stalemate.
4 hours ago
Michelle SchoolingThanks, Margie!I agree with you, Laura. We will never eliminate a person's (or child's) coping technique. Can we help them change it? Maybe. If they are willing to listen to us. If they trust that we know that they are always trying their best, and sometimes life just feels unfair.... Then if we are calm, and tell them what we would like from them (such as, "I find it hard to understand you when you are crying or whining. Or, I find it hard to deal with a lot of crying and whining. I would like you to talk to me to tell me what you would like).
Is this going to work every time? probably not, because like Laura pointed out, sometimes people are just too upset to act rationally, regardless of their age. But if you have an intact relationship with your child, it may work more often than not. and you may find that the habit decreases.
About giving the kid a sucker to stop his screaming... well, are you not giving him the sucker for fear of spoiling him? are you in the habit of not giving him "what he wants" because you believe that in the 'real world' people don't get what they want?... See More
My opinion is that kids are just little people. they will grow up. they learn daily that life is hard sometimes, on their own. Do they need us making it arbitrarily harder?
would you deny yourself, your partner, or one of your friends a dessert if they asked for it? "just because life is unfair and they need to learn that?" Maybe if you suspected that they were always manipulating you. Maybe if you resented it when they asked you for things. Maybe if you thought it wasn't fair that they seemed to have it easy while you struggle through life "not getting what you want".
These are things I think about when my child seems to be whining. I try to put myself in their shoes. I ask myself, when do I act like that? what Am I usually feeling like when I do? Helpless? Choiceless? How can I help them feel like they have choices? How can I help them not feel helpless?
Can you spoil a child? I don't have an *answer* per se... but I'm leaning towards probably not. I agree that you can reinforce whining by not attending to the need underlying it, and just "giving the kid a sucker".
I also think you can damage a kids view of the world by yelling at him to "Stop Whining!" and leaving him/her with the feeling that life sucks. No pun intended. :)
