Out of the Jungle of Old Habits of thought

It used to seem that my husband and I *could not be compatible* when we each had such different ways of thinking about parenting. But then we decided that our relationship was more important than our current difference of opinion, and chose to just keep loving each other, and in the meantime, talk through each disagreement that came up.
I have been struggling with something that I found hard to put into words, but I am going to give it a go because I am hoping to help myself process it faster for my kids' sake.
I am doing my best to stay in a *person to person* mindset with my kids, instead of that *parent to child* relationship. My husband is really throwing me off though, when he asks questions about why I make certain decisions, "where do I think the kids will end up after that particular decision I made,etc.." and he leads me off into the jungle of old habits of thinking, and I find it really hard to find my way back to the open field of freedom.
I think that maybe this morning, I've started to find my way there, and maybe I can mark the trail enough for him to at least *see* which way I went, even if he doesn't want to *go there* with me. It is, of course, his choice, because it IS his life. :)
Oftentimes, when I want to "give" the kids their freedom, he has a scenario in which this wouldn't be a good idea, and he thinks that this should *prove* to me that "giving" them THEIR freedom is not a good idea *all* the time. He thinks he is compromising with me, by "giving" them their freedom a LOT of the time.
A good comparison for me of "giving" freedom, would be one of prisoners in a halfway house situation. (and I don't know all the ins and outs of one of these places, I'm just guessing). They get to "have" their freedom for *most* of the day. They choose where to get a job, what time to get up, what color socks to wear, how many layers of clothing to wear (they decide based on their own comfort level), what they want to eat for breakfast, the mode of transportation they use to get to work, what they eat for lunch, what route they choose to drive to and from, they go to the bathroom when they have to, etc, etc...
My point is, they have *a lot* of freedom in comparison to people in a locked down prison situation. (My husband likes to compare how he gives such freedoms to our kids, like so many other parents don't.)
He said to me the other day, "Michelle, you HAVE the authority. You just CHOOSE to give it to the kids." I struggled with how to answer that. My gut feeling (YAY! I actually listen to those now!) was NO, they naturally HAVE autonomy, but lots of people believe that parents SHOULD have authority over them. But I wasn't as articulate as I feel I am about it now.

A lot of times, I have unarticulated thoughts in my head, and I find them articulated in verbal conversations with other people, in books, online, or, they just come out articulated in their own time from my own subconscious mind. This time it was in a post on a message board.
Someone made the point that we aren't "giving" our kids their freedom. It IS their inalienable human right. That resonated with my heart. Something inside me said, "Yes! That's what I think too! How can we be "giving" them something that is a human right they were born with?!" It felt, and feels, so wrong to me.
Which leads me back to the halfway house/locked down prison scenario. Either way, the prisoners are being GIVEN the right to make choices. In the locked down (very authoritative parent) scenario, the choices aren't many. In the halfway house scenario, the choices are SO much more. But they are both under a certain final authority... you can see where I am going with this.
And following my husbands' train of thought, he would be thinking, "Yes, I am under authority, too. I am under the 'have to provide for my family' authority, and the 'authority of God' "... I'm sure there are many other 'authorities' he puts himself under, giving him reason to want to put the kids under his authority, so that they aren't so shocked "when they grow up" at the levels of restraint put on them.... I think I'm getting into his head just the littlest bit now... He's a hard nut to crack sometimes. He certainly views the children's lives now as a preparation for the "real" world. I don't agree. I think they ARE in the REAL world NOW! They are learning what they need to learn for the place that they are in now.
We may find a lot of people who agree with us when we say that we think it'd be a "good experience" for them to go to school for a year. But what if the child does not think it's a good idea? How is it good for them then? Will they be ready, receptive, and open to the experience? I think not. I think they will be filtering the experience through their feeling of being "forced" to go for a year.
When they are ready, receptive, and open, they will learn. THAT'S when the experience is fully taken in. Not until then. When they are closed to an experience by feelings of sadness, fear, or anger, not much else gets in. Their heads are full of their own thoughts and emotions. Better to wait until they are open to a new experience. Then they will excitedly open themselves to new and positive things.
My way out of the jungle is beginning to come clear to me. Dare I follow my own path?!


"They learn cause and effect by making choices. It is
unavoidable. If they cut their hair short and they aren't happy with
the results, then they can file that away for the future. It doesn't
have to be labeled "good" or "bad" but just, "Hmm, maybe not so short
next time."

To themselves.

If they have someone telling them that they
made a mistake, then that can be damaging, IMO. They start to (maybe
only the sensitive ones, maybe only with repeated instances) feel like
they can't do anything right.

But if the parent gives them "freedom for
freedom's sake", then they are free to
experiment until they find something that makes them happy.

Freedom is connected to
happiness *and* learning, IMO. If it makes me tense and frustrated to
give them freedom with the goal of allowing them to learn, then maybe I can be more
relaxed and happy by giving them freedom just because that *should* be their inalienable human right.