I wanted to remind myself of the awesome advice I get from other unschoolers out there on the web. I may never be their friend in person because of distance between us, but, I hold them close to my heart because we all share a love for our kids that helps us treat them as young human beings, not little robots to mold in our image by sharing with them our fears, and shoulds, and have to's.... Thank you all, Ren, Diana, Meredith, Sandra, Alex, and everyone else...
Here's a recent thread from the Always Unschooled message board:
Admochelle (that's me!) wrote:
"I have a problem. I would love to have the patience to treat each and
every one of my kids with the patience and respect to allow us to work
together as a group, respecting everyone's needs... but how do you do
that when you have 7 people (including me), and many of them are
incapable of seeing past themselves due to their age? It really helps
me have more tolerance for seeming 'disrespect' or non-caring from my
4 year old, when I realize that she doesn't have empathy yet. But
when everyone has different needs, and all is chaos, don't you just
need someone to take the helm, and say, OK. This is what we are doing?
I have seen how crazy the house gets when everyone is tired, and no
one really cares what everyone else wants.. they just need their needs
met. Where do you start with those non-preventable situations...
Well, I guess you would start by taking a deep breath, and trying to
be the calm one. But when that doesn't work because you are so
stressed from outside family stress, where do you go?
Sometimes I feel that it would be a lot easier for the whole family if
my kids just did what they were told, instead of going on a 10 minute
discussion, or waiting for 5 minutes for the 4 year old, or tolerating
her ignoring my request for her to clean up the salt she just poured
all over the floor just because 'she doesn't want to clean it up' (her
words.)
I'm having a really hard time lately with the whole, letting
everyone's needs get met at the same time... It seems nearly
impossible right now."
Alex replied:
"Wouldn't it be less stressful and easier to just take 30 seconds and clean it
yourself?
Can you clean that spilled salt with mommy? ( hand her a little vacuum)
-No. I don't want to clean up.
OK them.
--
Take the little vac and it would take just a few seconds to get it all
cleaned.
Do it happy. Your child is 4 years old. See it as gift to her and you family.
Once your child sees the joy you have in cleaning she/he may want to join you
in it.
Make cleaning fun and joyful and not a power struggle."
Admochelle replied:
"I guess if I didn't worry that she was going to make a habit of not
cleaning up that would be ok. I fear that I am building the thought
pattern in her that mommy will clean everything up, I don't have to."
Admochelle
Alissa replied:
Maybe it would help you to know that once I completely embraced RU
with cleaning I was able to fully appreciate what they did do to help
me, and it's a wonderful feeling!
I often have those times where I feel I'm just going crazy trying to
meet the needs of two little people who ask for something new before I
can complete the first task. ;-) But like a previous poster said, I
calmly explain that I am in the middle of X and they can wait until
I'm done or they can help themselves.
Remember we're not trying to create little robots who just do, and the
point is not that we because we don't require them to clean up after
themselves this will make them all of a sudden *want* to clean up on
their own. But instead I've seen my children finding the knowledge
that if the house is going to stay organized we're the ones who do it.
And that when we're at someone else's house it's a nice gesture to put
away things we played with before we leave. They never feel that they
have to, they do it because they want to. And a lot of the time they
don't, and that's ok, too. They are a lot more likely to come in
beside me and help me with something, though, without me asking, and
certainly without me telling that they need to do it. When it's night
time and everyone's tired, heavens no! But I like to get organized in
the morning, and the kids are often happy to help me pick up messes
from the night before.
Karen wrote:
"If I am feeling stressed by competing demands of my kids, I will
often voice my stress. Not as a complaint against them, but more of
there is only one of me and I can only do one thing at a time. I ask
the kids if there is anyway they can meet their own needs and if they
don't seem able I ask if they can please wait while I do this and
this, and I will get to them as soon as possible."
The kids doing just what they were told probably would be easier if it actually worked. Remember that
it doesn't work and that there are power struggles and resentment and
punishment and rewards that go along with trying to get the kids to
do as they are told. All of which can be very exhausting.
A 10 minute discussion, which could have been a 10 minute tantrum if you had been coercive
instead.
Waiting for 5 minutes for the 4 year old could be a time to embrace the waiting as a moment to relax and breathe or talk or joke with the other kids."
Admochelle wrote:
"Yes, it is true that no parenting method is perfect. I forget that
even when I spanked, there were lots of struggles, and hurt,
non-understanding looks from my kids...
thanks for reminding me.
At least now they know that I am trying to be on their side. I really,
really want to be a partner with my kids... it gets so hard when the
people around me are constantly expecting my kids to 'listen' to me
"because I am the parent"...
I get so fed up with all the anti-partnership/pro-authoritarian comments.
Alex wrote:
"This is a great post from Ren at Ubasics that I swiped with her OK to post
here:"
~~"I think the problem here is that you also got locked in. You had an
expectation of going on that walk. You really wanted to go and it
was taken away from you.~~
I didn't have time to respond earlier, but this is exactly what I was
thinking. I remember having those feelings earlier in this parenting
journey and what I've learned is a very buddhist
concept...non- attachment. Not that I have it down pat or anything!;)
I had this vision of this peaceful unschooling family, smiling and
walking hand-in-hand, joyfully exploring the world, always doing
amazing things and getting along beautifully. Lovely vision right? And
totally unrealistic!
Life is messy. People get irritated with each other, plans change
midstream, milk gets spilled and walks don't always happen. What
matters most is how we embrace the WHOLE. How we can stand there and
hear the kids fighting and see the sink full of dishes and smile to
ourselves because THAT is a part of the beauty.
Sierra wanted to make Bleu a Father's day breakfast. We talked about
getting up before him and cooking something yummy to surprise
him....instead of going to sleep early enough she stayed up until
about 4am and couldn't get up to make breakfast. She stayed up with
her Dad watching tv though, and that time connecting together was more
important than the breakfast in the end.
I could have held onto that idyllic sounding breakfast and been really
bummed out when it didn't happen, I could have made it myself OR I can
just accept the reality that is right in front of me...a sleepy dh and
daughter that enjoy each other's company every day. So what is
Father's day in the face of that? Nothing. It's the daily connections
that matter and we can have a special breakfast anytime we choose.
Let it go...breathe deep and see that your child wanted to take a walk
at a different time than you deemed appropriate. That's ok. Go with
it. Release that "perfect unschooling vision" and BE with what is
happening. It takes some time, but the more you're aware of how you're
being attached to a certain outcome, the better you get at NOT being
attached.:)
I highly recommend "Wherever you go there you are" by Jon Kabat-Zinn."
Ren
learninginfreedom. com
Admochelle wrote:
"I could have written the paragraph about having that vision of the perfectly peaceful unschooling family myself, Ren!
I want to memorize the part about smiling at the dirty dishes and kids fighting! :)
I can do that easily when I bring to mind the
feeling of being home the day after we took one of the kids to the
emergency room for a real emergency. THAT is an easy time to look
around and appreciate the fighting and the dirty dishes, and laundry,
etc... at least the kids are there!
Thanks for reminding me."
Aidan wrote:
"I don't have as many kids as you do, but I do have four, all close in age. Once
I had more than one child that wasn't a baby, I thought my job as a parent was
to make the kids do as they were told. In my first family, well behaved is
number one- so I believed that if my kids weren't living up to those standards,
it meant I was failing.
After a few years of trying to create a situation where
the kids would just do what they were told, I could see that it was a miserable
failure. That kind of discipline takes a mom who is always 'on', who sees
everything, who can divide and conquer. If you have two kids, it can probably be
done passably. And when they do argue or throw a tantrum or disobey, you can
deal with it because there aren't several other kids, taking the
opportunity while your back's turned to wreak havoc or start a fight.
My attempting to be 'at the helm' just encouraged the kids to be more chaotic,
more resistant to my leadership (read: f-you mom, I'll wait until your back is
turned), and less self sufficient. They seemed to enjoy watching my blood boil
as they bounced around wildly in a public place and I ran around trying to catch
them. My take on the whole thing is that when you are seriously outnumbered, you
have to have a lot of self discipline and some serious corporal punishment up
your sleeve to control their behavior.
RU has slowly changed the chaos and adversarial behavior in my house. I have had
to sacrifice a lot too, as a very persistent and goal oriented person. RU does
mean a lot of discussions when you just want to get it over with. But what I've
found is, once the kids feel confident that you will listen and take their
ideas/concerns/needs/preferences seriously, the discussions look more like
talking and compromising and less like whining and screaming tantrums.
Another problem I've had a lot of is general chaos- fighting, giant destructive
mess making, running off in different directions- crazy making. One of the
cornerstones of RU is connections- real authentic I-see-you-and-love-you
connections. For me, with consistent practice, making connections with my kids
has really paid off in the chaos department. The kids listen to me, and they
don't want me to feel bad- it's reflected in their behavior. They empathize with
me simply because I do with them. It's taken time, a lot of time doing it and
still having to deal with outrageous behavior, but now we are definitely turning
a corner.
In the short term, RU seems massively inconvenient and like opening the door to
even more out of control behavior. But I want to encourage you to keep trying,
keep reading the wise words on this list. Because in the long run, you can
have six kids who you have to somehow follow around all the time making
them behave, or you can have six kids who self regulate as far as their
maturity allows."
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