Addendum to "Another Key?"

Last night I had a conversation with one of my DS's (online lingo for Dear Son, if you are not familiar with that particular abbreviation). I was trying to figure out why it is that he does not want to do housework. I was not trying to guilt trip him (although I've had a history of that, so had to apologize for it coming across as such), but I wanted an answer as to why although work does not sound appealing to him (I supposed it was because he is a "kid", and as such is diabolically opposed to working), why can he not look at it as something that he does for his family and allow that to override his desire to not do something he considers boring.
He could not understand how I can not understand why he doesn't want to do housework. Then when I kept pushing the point of doing it anyway for someone else rather than yourself, he brought up that work done with motivation is done willingly, and considered fun. I asked him what would motivate him to do housework, because having a clean house is something that is very important to me. I compared it to how he used to fret over having to wait until Friday to play video games (they play whenever the mood strikes them now). He would pine away to play it, but it didn't happen until Friday. I told him that I pine away after a clean house (not in so many words, but I am paraphrasing here), but it seems like no one really cares if the house is clean or not except me, because given the choice, he and his siblings prefer to play all day.
(Now, I know that modern society would say, well of course! that's what kids do! they hate work! BUT I no longer believe that this is an unchangeable attribute of kids. I believe now that kids will work willingly beside their parents, and sometimes (or maybe a lot of the time) without EVEN being asked. Sound impossible? Read on.)
OK, again.... I asked him what would motivate him to do more housework (just as a question, not a whiny complaint :)
He replied that usually he doesn't have motivation. What has motivated him multiple times in the past to spend a half hour cleaning the house without even being asked
is the fact that he was anticipating surprising me, and loving that I would love seeing it done.
I assured him that regardless of the fact that it is not a surprise, any housework that he does is VERY MUCH APPRECIATED.
He then went on to say (and I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE the fact that he is so very honest with me!) that yes, he knows that, but the motivation for him is that the work is more fun FOR HIM when it is done as a surprise for me. I love it that he is reminding me that his motivation needs to come from INSIDE him, not from the outside!
I felt such a love for him right then that I was able to honestly say that I love him whether he does any housework or not. And in reality that has been and always will be the truth. But my overwhelming desire to have a clean house has stopped my flow of love so much so that I would not have been able to verbally affirm that to him before. I told him that I want him to do housework whenever he is motivated internally to, and I am willing to wait for that. And I meant it.
I am willing to wait for months or years or longer if it takes it, but I doubt that it will. I have since realized a big key for as to why kids hate work! Here it is : (drumroll)........ ADULTS HATE WORK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
How many times have we acknowledged that children copy people older than themselves? Isn't it natures way of teaching them? Even if you never say a word to them about how to do anything... if you do it, they will learn by observation!!!! This is KEY! We adults push kids to do work... do your homework! Wash the dishes! Clean your room! Make your bed! Pick that stuff up! And all the while, we are COMPLAINING to them telling them how we work even though we don't really want to get up early in the morning and work all day... we would rather be home playing with them too, but that's just not how life works! We would rather not have to clean the house, or do bills, but life requires money, and we have to make it!!! Just think about this for a minute. I bet you could make a list a mile long of how many times you have said in a thousand different ways to your kids that life is work. And work is not fun. But sometimes we do things because they need done, not to enjoy them....
Kids have a natural reaction... YUCK! WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO LIVE LIKE THAT? HOW HORRIBLE! My kids have asked me multiple times, "Why do you work then? Why don't you just not do it???"
My conditioned mental response was always... "they just don't understand life yet. Kids just have it too easy. They don't understand making yourself do something just because it needs done. They haven't matured yet...."
You know what I say? @#$%%^$# (I mean, hogwash!! :) Yes, kids have not been conditioned YET to do things that they don't want to do.... GOOD FOR THEM!!!! We should all be so lucky! And as conditioned adults, we have the option to change our conditioning. And I am so glad that I am realizing that my kids' point of view on this particular thing is wiser than mine. (Did I just say that?) Yes. I did. Not that I think that in general "kids are smarter than adults". but it is a fact that SOMEtimes, regardless of experience, someone with less experience than you has a different point of view, and it just clicks, and you say, "HUH. They are actually right!" And you put away your pride at being the 'one with more experience' (and you know that inside you secretly think that this makes you just a little bit smarter than someone less experienced)... and you just go with what makes more sense. No matter who it was that thought of it.
And in this case, I am thinking about the wisdom of all those "make yourself more happy" books that tell you that you need to ENJOY your life EVERY MINUTE to be happy. EVEN WHILE YOU ARE WORKING!!! And I think I do that to some degree.
BUT OBVIOUSLY NOT TO THE DEGREE THAT MY KIDS SEE IT! Like I said in a previous post. I have asked them straight out... "Do you think that mom likes to work?" Their honest answer was "NO. You don't act like it." And they are right! When they ask me to play, I reply, "No, I can't right now, I HAVE to work." I don't say, well, mom is doing this right now. I want to have clean dishes, so I'm washing them. (said with a nonchalant, if not "I'm enjoying this" attitude). I come across to them as frustrated that I HAVE to do this work, and it's not fair that they get to sit around and play all day while I have to work all day!
And my husband gives them a similar outlook, although he probably does not come across as so bitter about it on a daily basis. (This is because I resent the kids for choosing not to help me, taking their lack of desire to do things not appealing, as a lack of respect for me, when that is CERTAINLY not their intention. They tell me all the time what a great mom I am! :)
Anyway, my husband comes across to them (at least from my point of view, I haven't actually asked them if THEY think that he enjoys working), as if work is not really enjoyable, he'd rather be home with them... but he does it because we need the money. So, from the kids POV, he lives a pretty miserable life in order to sustain us all, and when he tells them loudly that this is so, when they tell him that they don't want to help with the signs on the truck, he is only reinforcing that view. Same as I reinforce it EVERY SINGLE DAY when I ask them to help with the housework. And then I doubly reinforce it when I get upset with them for not wanting to help and complain that I am the only one doing "ALL the work" around the house....
What a predicament we've gotten ourselves into. :) But happily, there is a way out. And as with all natural remedies that work from the inside out, instead of from the outside in (think medicinal remedies) it will take a little longer than the usual remedy of "You need to help us do this work because you are part of the family, and you SHOULD feel responsible as such... don't you partake in the goodness of being part of the family??? don't you think you should help us??? why don't you want to help us???? Guilt trip, guilt trip, guilt trip!!! But we don't realize this is what we are doing! We are just saying what we feel.
Then the kid says what they feel. "I want to help you mom, but it's boring!" In other words (that they lack the maturity/experience to verbalize more clearly), "I naturally want to help you, but I also naturally want to do what is enjoyable in my life, and these two things are clearly opposing based on how you show me what work is like, and therefore, I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place!"
What can we do in this situation? I believe that the answer is surefire. It just takes time. First of all, You as the parent need to ENJOY YOUR LIFE! (i.e. see all those self help books for ways to do that, I don't have the time here). As you begin enjoying your life, you will naturally put off the vibe that you ARE ACTUALLY enjoying your life. And because kids naturally copy (and especially quickly they copy what looks like fun), you will soon have a hive of worker bees who love working.
Sound unrealistic? Well, that's because you make it look like shovelling so much #%$# to live everyday life. Be happy, darn it! And your kids will naturally follow.
Maybe I can clarify this more later on, but my little girl just woke up, and I don't want to sit here typing forever, ignoring her.
Live in peace,
Michelle