Another Key?

I think my husband may have given me a very important key tonight. Not a physical key, a mental key. I came home from a visit with some people whom I dearly love and hold in high respect, yet I called him immediately to complain to him so I could rid myself of the angst I was feeling from being around them... How does this make sense? He explained it to me.
He said that all I have been doing lately is complaining about this one aspect of their personalities that I do not like. I never come home and call him to tell him what a good time we had together... it's always about how they made this or that comment that I didn't care for because it opposed my views, and I felt like they were attacking me by disagreeing with me, or at least trying to convince me that they were right and that my point of view is wrong. Not different, but wrong.
He made me realize that what I have been expecting is for them to change their views, (at least the view that their way is the only right way in discipline and human nature) and that just 12 months ago, I was in full support of their views.
I have made a radical change in that short time. Probably a 180. I am the one who has made the change, not them. Therefore, I need to back off off the preachiness. I don't want to come off as a total bitch who wants to do nothing but argue. How am I supposed to convey my love for them if I'm so busy trying to combat their points of view?
I have been trying to fight fire with fire, and all that's been happening is that our relationship burns up. As hard as it is for my personality (also one that tends to see only one right way to do anything), I need to throw some water on their fire for the sake of our relationship. And I can do that practically by just nodding my head when they make comments I don't agree on, and/or letting it roll off of me when they show their 'authority' over my kids.... I need to develop a thicker skin. Not get so frustrated so easily, or so mad so easily...
All this time I was thinking that it wasn't going to get better unless they just accepted that I am going to be different from them... I was blind to the fact that things CAN get better, if I just accept that they are different from me! :) Don't think of them as WRONG... just DIFFERENT.
That's the whole concept I've been trying to preach at everyone for the whole 12 months (give or take a few months) that I've believed it, and here, right in the homefront, I've been ignoring it. Kind of like screaming at the guy to get the mote out of his eye when I've got a beam in mine.. :) There you go, James, I just found a Biblical scripture that applies to me, and I don't even hate it! :) Thought you'd like to see that one. :)
I wanted to write this all down so I don't forget this lesson that my husband brought to mind this evening, and also because it applies in another situation.
Let's see if I can remember the exact words he used.... "How are you supposed to win them over to your side if you are just fighting them continually? If you want to convince them of your viewpoint (that all viewpoints are equally valid), then you need to show them love and give them time, not keep preaching at them. Be the bigger person, and show some softness. Wouldn't you like it if they did that?"
He's so totally right!
And he helped me deal with the situation I've been having about my messy house angst! And the kids helping bring in the groceries angst, etc... the things that I would like to see done, but they just aren't high priorities on my kids' lists of things to see done. :)
I was sitting there watching them play in the living room today, and I thought to myself, what if I looked at what they are doing as just as important as the things that grown ups do? Would I call up my sister or mother in law, and ask them to stop what they are doing and come help me clean my house whenever I want it clean? 3 times a day? Just because they are in the near vicinity?
Would I call them up and guilt them by saying how I just HATE HATE HATE a messy house, and I've been SOOOOO busy with my cookie business (which I choose to do), and my Ebay sales (which I choose to do), could they please show me how they love me by coming over to help me clean?
No. I wouldn't. that would be imposing on them. That would be interupting their agendas to get mine accomplished.
Also, when my mother in law saw selfish ways in me as a teen, did she constantly bring it up? Did she point out almost every little time that my voice had a mean tone, or that I didn't offer anyone some of the dessert I was eating, and tell me how that was selfish? NO!
What have I been thinking? I have been creating a lot of the tension that is in my house by trying to enforce my DESIRES onto the children. I WANT to have a cookie business. I WANT to have a clean house. I do NOT agree with the principle that you should control your children. I do NOT want to MAKE them do what I want them to do.
I want to TRUST that they will learn through seeing me model the "right" actions how to treat people. And how can I EVER expect them to enjoy work, and do it cheerfully, when all they ever hear me say about it is how it's not fair that they just get to sit around and watch videos and play video games all day, and I HAVE to do all the WORK! I've even asked them if they think that I enjoy work, and they said no. Of course not! I don't act like it's fun... how are they supposed to WANT to do it if I make it out to be such drudgery? I've taken the first step towards them learning to do it on their own accord (I've given them the choice). Now I just need to give them the time they inividually need to observe my attitude about work, and be naturally attracted to it, instead of repelled by my current attitude of it. I saw principle at work the other night when we all had the greatest fun doing the hard physical labor of taking off and putting on signs for 4 and a half hours....
These things all go hand in hand. It's a matter of attracting the situation you want by putting out the vibe that you want to have come to you.... I suppose you could say it's another version of the old Biblical adage "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." :)
Boy, I feel like I'm hitting a growth spurt! :) Thanks, James, for the key to that particular lock!